On the Other Side of the Mountain

She has arrived!!

2012-02-01T17:19:00.004-06:00

Please welcome Jorja Marlene Maslany! Born Jan. 23 at 1240 weighing in at 3. 18kg and 49cm long. She has a ton of blond hair, and at this point blue eyes! Pretty different from her parents who have brown hair and either green or brown eyes. Luckily, she has enough features of us that we are sure we took the correct baby home, haha.
As much as labour and delivery was NOT how we wanted it to go at all (emergency csection after 2.5 hours of pushing, and toxic doses of local anesthetic), and breastfeeding is a bust, we love our little monkey to pieces! She is so beautiful and the light of our lives.
My hubby is amazing as well. So loving, so caring, so great. He has really taken to fatherhood. In fact, so much so that he was sad today when I wouldn't let him feed her. He has also sang her her first lullaby - a German march song (translated as "The Tank Song"). She loves it!

Belly photos - last set

2012-01-20T14:12:00.002-06:00

This is 37 weeks. Not too much longer to go!

39 weeks! I was very fortunate to not get any stretch marks during my pregnancy, so my belly is still quite nice. Now, just the waiting.....

On her own terms

2012-01-17T20:02:00.002-06:00

I have made a big decision. OK, not that big. I was trying all these different things to get baby to come: Red Raspberry Leaf tea, pineapple, bouncing on a yoga ball, evening primrose oil, spicy food.... None of it has worked. I am sick of the tea and everything else. So, I have decided to let her come on her own terms. Really, let's be realistic. That is what is going to happen anyway.
I shouldn't be rushing this, I guess. You really have a short period of time to enjoy your pregnancy. And, unless you are the Duggers, you aren't going to be pregnant every year and have 19 kids (Yuck). So, you should try to enjoy it. And I have. I have had such a good pregnancy. I really can't complain. No complications, no problems. I am still fairly small, haven't gained too much weight, and don't even have stretch marks!
But, it is getting to be enough. Today at work I felt just awful. I was short of breath even just sitting there. Then, I had belly pains, gas and bloating. Not to mention her stretching into my liver and giving me gallbladder pains. So, I am not enjoying everything. And, I do wish she would come. But, I am still not going to do anything about it. She will come eventually. In the meantime, I have some projects and work to keep me busy. Only 9 days until my due date. The countdown is on. Now, if she will just listen and not go postdates!

sleep?

2012-01-12T20:06:00.002-06:00

It seems like all I have done during this pregnancy is worry. In the beginning it was: Is there two? Is she OK? Is there an anomaly? Then, it was: Is she growing enough? Is she OK?
Now, it's: What will labour be like? Will I be OK? What will it be like at home with her? Will I be a good mom? How will we cope?
Does it ever get better/easier? Do you ever stop worrying? I am thinking not. I am an adult (who will not reveal her age), and I know my parents still worry about me. I guess it is just something I will have to get used to.
Unfortunately, it is affecting my sleep. That, and my constantly stuff nose (although I don't have a cold). Being unable to breathe, and unable to turn my brain off, makes for very few hours of ZZZzzs. It would be nice to have a nap some days, which I do some days, but I am still working, so most days not. Alas.
Now that I am 38 weeks, I am starting to really want to meet this little girl. There are all these old wives tales about bringing on labour, but I don't actually think anything works. I think I am just destined to wait. As long as she is still OK, I should be happy right?
Well, I will post more belly pics and baby pics hopefully soon!!

Belly photos - set 4

2011-12-27T09:42:00.002-06:00

Well, I am getting closer and closer to the end of this pregnancy. There are only a few short weeks left. It has gone by so fast! I may have one more set of photos, or not, I guess we'll see!
This is 33 weeks. I have finally developed a little basketball. She is a wiggly little worm in there!

This is 35 weeks. People are commenting now on my belly. Some say, "Wow, look at your belly!", and to that I say, "it should be big, there is only 5 weeks or less left!". Some comment on how small I still am, and to that I say, "She is measuring perfect!". Everyone has some comment.
I think she is running out of room in there. She expresses her protest by kicking me in the ribs and pressing on my gallbladder giving me pain! She is still a wiggly worm. Her and my hubby have a new game where he tickles her feet (once he asks me if that is what he is feeling), and she kicks him back! I just laugh through all this.
Peanut still does not have an actual name, but she sure managed to get the loot this Christmas. Everything from clothes to toys and books to her very first "Tiffany's" ornament! She is spoiled already!

I am hoping that as my life changes yet again, I will be able to document some of the new challenges and adventures! See you in the New Year!

ghost of christmas future

2011-12-25T14:30:00.003-06:00

Merry Christmas, everyone!!
This year will be VASTLY different than next year. This year, my husband and I worked on Christmas Day (today). I am only emergency call-back, and am hoping to not have to come in, but he is Labour and Birth and has to be there all day. We went to my parent's house yesterday, and to the in-laws tomorrow. It was quiet, with only adults. The only hint of something different to come were the presents addressed to "Daddy" and "Mommy" with baby gifts inside.
Next year will be SO different, I can only imagine. Santa will visit, there will be much merriment and laughter, and a little bit of chaos and disarray! I think it will be great! "Baby Maslany" will be almost a year old. Sure she won't remember, or really get it, but it will still be fabulous.
So, this year, we have a quiet time, and look forward to what awaits us next year.
Cheers, and Merry Christmas!

Child care woes

2011-12-16T18:14:00.002-06:00

I can't believe what this blog has become. It really reflects how all encompassing being pregnant is, at least for me. I am SO happy I didn't try to attempt this while in residency. I just wouldn't have been able to focus. Good job to those who did, but not me! And, waiting gave my hubby and I a chance to have some fun and do some traveling without kids.
Now, however, I have concerns that I never thought I would have before we got pregnant: Child care. A friend of mine said that I should have put my name on a waiting list for Day Cares MONTHS ago. What?! This kid isn't even born yet! I thought, surely not in Saskatchewan. Our population is not that big, it can't be that bad. Well, clearly I am wrong. I found a fantastic Day Care yesterday that will take a child as young as I want, and they have a wait list - over a YEAR!
So, now I am freaked. How does one find childcare? Do you go the nanny route? And if so, live-in or live-out? Do you go the Day Care route? Or do you bite the bullet and be a stay-at-home parent? The last, I have to admit, is the least pallatable. I didn't go to school for 14 years to spend my time at home. So, if you decide one way, how do you go about setting it up? How do you find someone you trust to leave your child with? There are a lot of crazies out there.
I am hoping we will be lucky and find something suitable. We do have 7 months to find something, so cross your fingers!!

Murphy's Law

2011-12-01T19:31:00.004-06:00

Who is this Murphy guy? And why is his law always right?
So, in my last post we had set the date for my section. I was fine with that. Or I thought I was. I awoke early this morning feeling anxious and worrying about things, like the section. In response, Peanut was a ball of wiggles and movements.
Later today I had an ultrasound to confirm her position and take measurements to make sure everything is OK. Well, everything is perfect. She is measuring perfect and right to the date. And, head down!!! So, maybe what was me waking up and being anxious was actually her waking me up getting into position!
Anyway, I've cancelled the section and now await her arrival. I'm hoping she listens to the talk we had and comes just a little early. ;)

date is set

2011-11-29T20:05:00.003-06:00

Peanut is not behaving. She is upside down, still. I have an Ultrasound coming up to confirm this, but according to my OB and myself (I would have felt it if she moved) she is still breech. So, rather than wait around, we have tentatively booked the date for my C-section. I wanted it a bit earlier, but it seems like there are a lot of babies being born by section in January.
She could still turn. And then, I will have a decision to make. Do I have a purely elective section? Or, do I do things the natural way?
And, I could go into labour before hand. Then, I would be at the mercy of whomever is on call for OB and Anesthesia.
I am completely out of control here, and being an anal-retentive Type A personality who does a job where control is of the upmost importance, it is not easy. I just have to let go and trust in what will happen, and that the people looking after me will do a great job. I'm sure they will.
Pregnancy is a lot about relinquishing control. You have no control over when you get pregnant, what sex the baby is, what direction they will be in, how much they'll weigh, or when they will come. The only thing you have control over is their name, and we can't decide on that, lol. I guess for someone like me, it is a good experience to not have control all the time. For now, someone else is, and she doesn't have a name yet.

Belly photos - set 3

2011-11-20T19:47:00.002-06:00

Because of our trip to AZ, I didn't post for awhile. This is 28 weeks. See if you can tell?
This is now 30 weeks. Only 10 more weeks to go (or hopefully less)!!!
I think I have quite the bump now. ;) Soon, whe the nursery is finished, I will take pics of that too.

Little Girl

2011-11-16T18:44:00.003-06:00

Little girl, I dream of you.
What will you look like?
What will you act like?
Who will you aspire to be like?

Little girl, I dream of you.
All the moments we will share.
All the memories we will make.
All the fun we will have.

Little girl, I dream of you.
Little dresses full of lace.
Little ribbons in your hair.
Little dresses and tiny shoes.

Little girl, I dream of you.
Cheering as you graduate.
Glowing at your wedding.
Crying when you have your first baby.

Little girl, I dream of you,
and can't wait to meet you.

worry-wort parent?

2011-11-09T19:55:00.003-06:00

I think I am a worry-wort. First, I was worried about the pregnancy. You hear so many horror stories, and people at the beginning said some awful things, so I didn't know what to expect. Then, I was worried about the baby. Would there be something wrong? Would I be able to carry to term? What about all the stuff you can't test for? Well, the last two I still worry about, but the other stuff passed and was OK.
Now, I am worried about being a parent. What if I can't handle it? What if I suck? What if my baby has colic and I am unable to cope? What if my baby never sleeps? What if we can't find childcare? What if there IS something wrong with her? How will I know what to do? What she needs?
I guess everyone feels like this, and it probably doesn't get better when you first meet them. Then, it is probably worse for a bit. Like, "holy shit, what have we gotten ourselves into?"
You hope that you have a great support network that might be able to help you and give you good advice. You hope your loved ones, and those who have been through this will be able to shed some light and lend a helping hand, but in the end it is you who has to deal with things and learn to cope. After all, it is your baby, and your life choice.
I read somewhere that if you are worried you won't be a good parent, that already points to the fact that you probably WILL be a good parent (really bad parents wouldn't care). I just wish kids came with an instruction manual or something and you could take a test before they were born. Then, if you didn't pass (with flying colours) you weren't ready to have a baby and you should just wait. Some people have even suggested licenses for becoming parents, but that is a whole other issue (and blog!).
I have armed myself with literature and websites. I will attempt to control the things I can (like having the nursery ready, and maybe the house baby-proofed). As a control-freak, though, it is hard to let go of all the other stuff.
I worried about all the other things in my life (school, work, relationships), so I guess it is only natural to worry about this. They all turned out, so hopefully this will too.

the amazing pregnancy

2011-11-06T14:56:00.004-06:00

I am still amazed by this whole pregnancy thing. Sure, I see a gradual change in my body (bigger boobs, growing belly), but sometimes it is easy to forget WHY these changes are happening.
I was sitting in the tub today looking at my belly. A few minutes later, I could see all this movement going on! Almost like the belly of the people in "Aliens" my belly contorted and rippled with the life beneath it. So cool to see, and so cool to feel. My husband thinks it's cool too. Sometimes he grabs my belly and jostles it saying "wake up!". I was delighted when he giggled as she responded by moving around.
The whole process is just amazing. Think about it. Two "halves" of genetic material join together to make a single cell. Then the DNA tells the cell what to do and what to make. It divides again and again and again turning into a blastocyst, and then an embryo that resembles a tadpole. Finally by week 10 it is actually a fetus in which all the precursors of all the organs are formed. From then on it is all about refining those organ systems, and growing into a full term baby.
Sorry about the science lesson, but as I said, I am fascinated. I took and embryology class in my undergrad degree and then again in Medical School, so I remember a lot of the details.
I have been very blessed with this pregnancy. Oh sure, I was sick at the beginning, and really tired, but that passed. Everyone says how great the second trimester is, and they are right. I felt good. Now that I have made the transition to the third trimester I am expecting a few more bumps, but so far so good.
Now, I just need to get completely organized and ready to meet this little peanut!!

Arizona oct. 2011

2011-10-26T19:46:00.004-06:00

Lake Pleasant. Only 30 minutes away from Scottsdale. You can rent boats and kayaks and seadoos. We didn't go any of that, but it was still beautiful!

Montezuma's castle. Some native american ruins that are built into the mountain. So cool!

Hockey fun with Jurgen and my friend Stacey (Holly). The Jets lost, but is was still super fun!

A mountain/desert hike the morning before the game.

Our amazing view from our deck!!

Sedona. What can I say? So gorgeous.

Rain falling

2011-10-07T08:42:00.002-06:00

The rain falls like tears
flowing like a river down the street.
Washing everything, cleaning, healing.
Inside it is dry and warm.
Outside it is fresh.
The grey sky an echo of my heart.
Sometimes I like the rain
because then no one
can see me cry.

Belly photos - set 2

2011-10-04T18:23:00.001-06:00

Week 21 (more than half way!).

Week 23 (almost 6 months!).

fall bliss

2011-10-02T16:16:00.003-06:00

I love fall, especially the fall we have been having. The weather is hot during the day, but not sweltering, and cool enough at night that you can open your windows and not turn on the A/C. And, NO bugs (well, at least no misquitoes anyway)!
The colours this time of year are incredible as well! We were at the lake a couple of weeks ago doing some work, and I couldn't help exclaiming just how gorgeous it was! With the leaves all turning colours in yellows, oranges, browns, and greens against the green-gold of the hillsides, and the blue-green of the water - breathtaking! Not to mention the sunsets this time of year: Firey reds and oranges, pinks and purples against the backdrop of the gold of freshly harvested fields. Yep, this is definitely my favorite time of year.
I have been siting outside with my kitties for the last hour just soaking up the sun, listening to the sounds of nature - Rustling leaves, the chirp of crickets, the occasional tweet from a bird, and far off in the distance the yelp of a coyote. It is so peaceful out here! I would never move back into the city.
The kitties love it too. As long as they stay in the back yard (keep in mind the coyotes that I mentioned) they are free to roam around as long as they want. Our yard is pretty big, so I am pretty sure that is enough. Seven loves to sit by the fence and watch the birds and eat the grass. Stupe loves to try and catch the butterflies that flutter past. They are both pretty good hunters, too, considering they are mainly house cats. Seven is better at it then Stupe, but they have both caught stuff (which makes a Mama proud!).
Someday soon, we will have another set of feet running around in the backyard exploring all the goodness of nature. I can't wait to share that with little Peanut!!

Together We Stand

2011-09-20T19:50:00.002-06:00

I just reread my last post. It was a bit depressing.
Luckily, some sleep, exercise, and time off goes a long way. We spent yesterday early evening setting up the nursery. Sure, it isn't very exciting yet, but it was a start. We put together the crib (from Ikea) and dresser. AND, there wasn't any profanity, and our marriage is still just fine, LOL! It is really starting to look like a nursery.
My hubby is back to rubbing my belly and telling me how cute it is.
I am sure there will be some scary and tumultuous times ahead, but together we can face anything.

buiders and babies

2011-09-19T11:06:00.004-06:00

My husband is feeling very overwhelmed. I can't say as I really blame him. We went to Calgary recently for some shopping. We are building a cabin at the lake and our builders are there, so we went to pick stuff out. I thought we did a great job. We definitely know what we like, so it was pretty easy. We would ask them to give us an economical option (it is a cabin, afterall), and we would pick something from there. We started with the tile, which we are putting everywhere, and then built out from there. Our builder was really impressed with how much we accomplished in one day. So much so, that they didn't feel the need to meet with us again. Admittedly, we are still waiting on the blueprints, and contract, but I felt so much better after picking everything so that when they get started, they can just go.
Then, the next two days we spent getting baby stuff. First we went to this really great mall just outside of Calgary. If I wasn't pregnant, I could have done some serious spending damage - clothes, shoes, accessories, etc., but since I am, I really don't see the point in spending money on stuff that isn't baby related at this point (or house related). As my hubby says, "we are on an austerity program!" So, the day was spent buying maternity clothes (a bit depressing), and looking at strollers, which we eventually bought. Then, it was off to get a playpen, crib, dresser, crib tent (to prevent the cats from getting in), and some clothes.
When we dropped over $500 in one store on baby stuff (and I thought that was nothing), he started to loose it. He started to get really overwhelmed. And, my reaction wasn't very good. I got really offended and took it as if he wasn't interested in the baby and was really regretting our decision. I don't think that's it. I think he is just overwhelmed. At the end of the weekend, he asked me if we could please not talk about babies or baby stuff anymore.
I try not to be offended with stuff like that, and I shouldn't be. I think it is very different for us. Afterall, this is not happening directly to him like it is to me. I mean, he wasn't nauseated. He isn't getting big. He doesn't have cramps and worry that it is something bad all the time. So, for him, it is not quite real.
Some of the worries are the same for both of us. Sometimes I mourn what I know we are giving up: dinners out at the drop of a hat, sleeping in on weekends, sleep period, loud tv watching, independence and alone time, travelling (for me this is a big one). I keep saying to him that everyone says it is so worth it, and they wouldn't give it up for anything. If everyone who has kids says this (recognizing that sometimes your kids drive you crazy), why wouldn't it be true? It isn't like someone pulls you aside after the birth of your child, and tells you that now you are part of a special club that holds a conspiracy against all those people who don't have kids and are thinking about having them. You MUST tell them how good it is. You CANNOT tell them how much it sucks. That just doesn't seem likely.
At the same time, I am realistic. As I said, I know what we are giving up. I also have some idea of how hard the first little bit will be. I am sure that at some point I may even for a moment regret our decision (after nights of not sleeping and changing the 6th diaper in a short period of time), but I have to believe it will all be worth it in the end.
Maybe it isn't just my hubby that is feeling a little overwhelmed.

Belly phots - set 1

2011-09-05T16:44:00.007-06:00

This is me at 17 weeks, side view. I think at this point I just look like I have a pot belly.

This is 17 weeks again, front view. Not a very flattering view, honestly.

This is me at 19 weeks. Surprising, but you can see a difference between the two photos. Maybe starting to look more like a preggie belly than pot.

19 weeks from the front. Still not flattering.

My hubby teases me about my belly, so I thought I would take a pic to compare. This is HIS belly at 19 weeks!!

And, HIS belly from the front! I think my belly is nicer, haha! Even looks like he has a bit of Linea Nigra there. ;) Who is laughing now?! I still think he is cute, though.

Nightmares and Mess

2011-09-04T08:05:00.003-06:00

I am not in as good of an emotional place as I was with the last blog, unfortunately. I am feeling a little lost, overwhelmed, and sad.
It all started yesterday. We were having two families over for dinner. That's two couples with each of their two kids. In total, I was cooking and cleaning for 10 people, which is something I usually only have to do once a year (Christmas). And, I am nothing if not anal retentive, so I was cleaning and preparing all day for this. I purged a little bit of stuff along the way (which I have been wanting to do). It was a lovely evening, but I was stressed all night. I kept worrying that the kids were going to wreck something in the house. It bothered me that one kid kept his shoes on and walked around the house all night (God, I hate that. When ANYONE does that. It is so american). It bothered me that there were cupcake crumbs in a "breadtrail" all the way from the kitchen to downstairs where they were watching a movie. It bothered me that at one point one of the little girls was jumping on the couch and then vaulted herself into the air landing only inches from our glass coffee table, and no one seemed to care but me.
Then, early this morning I had a horrible dream. I dreamed that I had lost the baby at 21 weeks (I am 19 weeks now). I was sad in the dream, but also happy that I had my body back. WTF?!
So, what does all this mean?! My hubby proudly said to me last night that he had coped better with the kids than I did, and I might have a worse time of it than him when we have ours. Awesome. Yeah, like I wasn't already thinking that. I reminded him that I never grew up with kids. I was the youngest in my family and did not even have any younger cousins, so this will be all new. I can handle our mess, and probably the mess of a baby, but others' messes not so much.
Am I destined to be a horrible mother? Will I be one of those controlling freaks who never let their kids do anything? Will I end up regretting this amazing decision? Am I in love with the idea, but not the reality? Today, I just feel disillusioned, sad and worried. Maybe it is all fine, and I just had too much sugar last night.

The good and the bad

2011-09-03T09:44:00.004-06:00

There are lots of changes that occur during pregnancy. Some of them are not very nice, and most people won't talk about them. Things like nausea (thank God for Diclectin), constipation, and gas. I did, however, find a book that I would recommend to everyone who gets pregnant for the first time that goes over everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. It is called "Taboo Secrets of Prenancy" and it is written by this sassy gal who is not afraid to tell it like it is. I laughed so hard that I thought I might pee my pants! Luckily, I haven't had problems with that yet! :) I think it is because of these bad things that a lot of women really don't like being pregnant.
Luckily, pregnancy is not all bad (if it was, who would do it again?). For one thing, there is a really great prize at the end! There are some really wonderful things that happen as well. Things like hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time in your OBs's office, seeing that miraculous baby via ultrasound (that one was really amazing. It totally hits home that there is a LIFE growing inside of you, a little person!), and feeling the baby move for the first time. Not to mention all of the great girly stuff that gets to happen, like buying furniture, shopping for clothes, and picking out names. The one thing, though, that stands above all the rest for really wonderful things that happen in pregnancy is the closeness between partners. Sure, this doesn't always happen, but I have been very lucky. People say this is a very stressful time, but it has really brought us closer as a couple. I am more in love with my husband now than I ever was before. When I saw the baby on ultrasound and knew everything was OK for the first time, I cried. Not just because of that, but also because I was carrying a little piece of our love inside me! My hubby touches my tummy (he's the only one I allow), talks to the baby, and makes funny jokes all the time. I just glow with happiness everytime I see him give me that special little smile when he thinks how cute I look. I love him so much! I can't wait to meet this little peanut and show them how much they are loved by their mom and dad who love each other so much. One big family of love!!

If you don't have anything nice to say....

2011-08-24T16:32:00.004-06:00

Warning: The following blog contains venting and profanity.

WHY are people so mean? Or Stupid? Or Both?! Seriously people, didn't your mother teach you any manners? You know the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!" So, what does that mean? If you can't come up with something actually helpful, useful, or nice, then shut the F$%K up!
OK, what am I ranting about? Pregnant ladies are sensitive. But regardless, don't say these things. Don't tell me how long or how much your labour hurt (everyone is different, and no one wants to know that)! Don't tell me that you will laugh when I am labour and think I will scream like a banshee (bitch)! Don't tell me how THIN you were when you were pregnant and no one knew you were even pregnant (read this with sarcasm)(bitch). Or, how you didn't even need to buy maternity clothes (maybe you were already fat?)! Don't tell me that I should get used to annoying sounds because I will be wishing for those sounds in a couple of months (so my life is going to suck after kids, nice)!
Why would you say any of those things? Shouldn't you say how much you loved being pregnant, how thin and great the new pregnant lady looks, how you labour was easy and hope mine is the same, and how much you love your children? Yes, say that, or just be quiet.
I have always said to people exactly what I would want to hear. I just don't see the point of being mean. I am much more positive than that. I guess my Mama did teach me manners.

Ultrasound

2011-08-23T12:10:00.004-06:00

We had our anatomical scan today. This was the first of 3 Ultrasounds that my husband was able to attend. The Tech was really awesome. We told her that we were both Anesthesiologists, and so when my hubby had questions she was able to answer them and didn't dumb it down for us. I am such a visual person that this was great! Even though I am not a sonographer, it is pretty easy at this stage to see all the important stuff - heart, brain, stomach, belly, all four limbs, all 10 toes and fingers! She told us everything looked great. Not only that, but the radiologist was kind enough (as a professional courtesy) to briefly go over the scan with us! That really made hubby feel better! He did, however, say that they would like to get a better look at babe's heart because we came a bit early (17wk5d because my MSS triple screen was borderline), and it is actually easier to see stuff later on. That is no problem with me - I love seeing the ultrasounds! Little peanut was so wiggly this time, she actually had a tough time getting some of the views! Haha! That was super cute to see! All of this is so exciting. I think now, finally, we can start to relax and maybe even buy some stuff!!

The Cat is Out of the Bag

2011-08-16T16:26:00.004-06:00

Last week I was "outed" by one of the nurses that I work with. I was keeping a secret for quite awhile now, but I guess things like this can only be secrets for so long.
I'm pregnant, for the first time ever. So, now, unlike my previous blogs about work or play, a lot of them will have this as the focus. It is a wonderous, strange, scary, exciting time in my husband and my life. Not only is my body changing, but our lives will soon change as well.
So, I am going to document the changes as they occur. Belly photos, baby photos, things I love, and even complaints, will all be revealed.
I will admit, in my previous blog I talked about how "my cats are better than kids", but this was in response to a world that I was living in that seemed to tell me that I wasn't worth the same as someone with kids (I didn't deserve the same vacation time, or breaks as them). I have grown a lot since then. I still feel that people without kids deserve the same as those without, but that doesn't mean that I can't now experience this wonder for myself. In the end, there were so many reasons to have kids and experience the joy that comes with them, that we had to do it (although truthfully, I was much more convinced than my hubby)!
Right now, as I write, I am almost 17 weeks pregnant. This makes me due in late January. So, stay tuned for all the crazy changes to come!

Doing nothing

2011-08-07T12:41:00.002-06:00

Sometimes it is nice to just do nothing. OK, not like lay in bed and hide, nothing, but not work and not have a care in the world. My husband and I didn't get much in the way of vacation time this summer. In fact, we got a whole 5 days. I was pretty bitter. Others in our department got 3 weeks or even a month off! I guess it is partially my fault. I applied for vaca way to late. Now, I know for next time. Regardless of what our schedullor says, apply months in advance.
Enough whining.
So, our 5 days off we didn't go anywhere. We just had a "staycation", and it was lovely. Days filled with reading, sunning, maybe going to the lake if we felt like it, and hot tubing (although we turned it cold because it was SO hot those days). Then, back to work for a day, and then a weekend of also doing nothing. Today, I worked out, ate very healthily, had a long luxurious bath, and now am here on the interweb. So lovely to not have a care. Oh sure, I could be doing some other projects like my grand rounds presentation, like working on Phase C or Phase D stuff, but I just didn't feel like it. I may decide to go grocery shopping for just a few things, and maybe stop in a store or two to browse, or not. Either way, it will be relaxing and lovely.
Sometimes you just need to treat yourself. Sometimes you just need to do nothing.

Lesser of Two Evils

2011-07-23T09:51:00.002-06:00

You've heard the saying: choosing between the lesser of two evils. Sometimes, it is not that easy. Both of the choices are evil, or not good. So, then what do you do? I am a talker. So, I talk to a bunch of different people and get there opionions. Let's be honest. Sometimes I do this because I just want to hear that I am not crazy and that someone else thinks what I want to do is OK, just to get reassurance. It is much harder to do this when it is a controversial subject. People have very strong feelings, that just might not jive with your own. So, I still talk and ask, but I don't find it that helpful. Especially, when the person I love the most thinks differently than me, but is willing to do whatever I want (also not helpful). I don't know. It is just so hard. Not to mention that the outcomes aren't even certain. Evil number one COULD happen, but so evil number two COULD also happen if I make that choice, but nothing is set in stone. It is all about statistics. A number game. And, sometimes numbers lie.

Come on! Just one more!

2011-07-13T20:30:00.003-06:00

I love to travel. It has always been me dream to visit new places, see exotic things, and have new experiences. I thought that by working really hard, and getting a great job, I would be able to afford to do this. It turns out that being able to afford something doesn't always mean one is able to. The problem is my husband.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband, more than anything. I used to think that this love for travel was something we shared. We certainly have been a lot of places together. But, apparently he "hates travelling". I don't think that is entirely true. He hates spending money, he hates waiting in lines, he hates being squished in with a bunch of people he doesn't know nor care to know. OK, I get that. No one likes that, but it is the price you pay when you want to travel somewhere.

It is starting (or maybe continuing) to become a problem in our relationship. Every time I want to go somewhere I feel like I have to go on a marathon 6 month fight to get him to agree. So, I have said to him on numerous occasions that I am happy to travel alone. For example, I went to Vegas with just the Anesthesia girls, and it was a blast!! There is also a conference in Chicago that I want to go to and would be happy to attend again with those girls. But this is not good enough. He doesn't want to be left at home, by himself, to work. Well, make up your mind!!

In the end, he always has a great time when we go anywhere. He likes the same things that I do, for the most part, so I really don't understand it. Why is it always a fight?

He says that I "get my way to much", that I "make no sacrifices", that I should "learn to suffer or go without". I say, I worked really hard to get where I am, and I work hard now, so I should be able to enjoy life now while I am young, especially before we have kids (because we all know what happens then - you just can't travel like you did before).

So, I don't know what to do. Do I keep fighting in the hopes that I win? Do I just go without him (even though he is my best friend, and I love to spend time with him, which is why I want him to come)? Or do I accept defeat and lay over and play dead like a dog? None of those sound very appetizing.

Dear hitchhiker

2011-06-30T12:56:00.002-06:00

Dear Hitchhiker,

I saw you, you and your dog, on my way home from work. I thought, "Sorry, dude, I am not going that far, there is no way I could take you to Montreal, let alone Winnipeg". You looked tired, and maybe dirty, but I didn't give it another thought. I went home, and sat outside in the heat.

Then, I saw you again, on my way back in. Lying on the ground. Your ever faithful dog sitting near you, protecting you. And, I saw the cops coming to you. This time I felt sad. Sad that it had come to this for you. Sad that you didn't have the money for a bus ticket or hotel room.

When the ambulance was not that far behind, that was when it hit me. It was so hot outside. You and your dog probably don't have any water. It would be easy to overheat in this weather.

What happened to you? I don't know. I can only hope good things for you. I can only hope you were taken to hospital, and made better. Cleaned up, and given something to eat. I hope that your dog, ever faithful, was also taken care of, but left with you and not taken. I wish I could have done more for you. Given you a ride, or money, but I didn't.

People think I'm crazy when I see the kids on the street begging for money, and give them a five or something. But maybe, just maybe it could prevent sadness like this.

Please, let this be a prayer for you, and others out there down on there luck. I pray that you are safe, and healthy. I pray you find you way home. That you, and your dog, make it there just fine.
And next time, may I have the courage to help out, if only just a little.

I wanted to say thank you as well

2011-06-20T13:59:00.002-06:00

My highschool Drama teacher retired the other day. There was a variety show held in his honour. After almost 40 years at A. E. Peacock, there were many students who wanted to showcase their talents. From singers, to dancers, to actors, to comedy acts. I, unlike my highschool years, sat in the audience and watched, marvelling at the talent this school has seen.
I remember highschool so well. I have to say, I loved every minute of it! It was there that I began to form who I am today. And, Lyle, you had a large part in that. I learned about committment, and hard work. I learned about dealing with stress while having fun, and how to leave your nerves at the door. I learned what being in a team is all about.
So, I may not be an artist now. In fact, I am not a teacher of primary or secondary school. But, I am an educator. I have taken some of the things that you taught me and I apply them everyday with my students. Sure, they aren't learning lines, or choreography, but you always made learning fun, and that is what I try to do with my students.
LJ, you have touched so many lives along the way. I feel blessed to have been one of your students and learned so many of life's important lessons from you.
Enjoy your retirement!! You deserve it!!

The day I realized I don't live in a socialist country.

2011-06-16T21:12:00.003-06:00

Wow. I haven't blogged in a really long while. Looking back to my last one in MARCH, seems like so long ago. So much has happened since then. There has been so much that I have wanted to write about, but just haven't. As a long time blogger friend of mine has said before, I was "censoring". Things I wanted to say, but felt I couldn't because they were about people I used to be close to and knew read this. Things I am not ready yet to share with the world. So, why come back today. Well, just like any post, I feel like I need something to shake me before I will bother posting. Today was it. Today I realized I don't live in a socialist country.
I have always been proud of Saskatchewan. We are small, but we are mighty (see some of my previous posts). We are a community that is proud of each other and our accomplishments. But not today.
I work in health care. In Saskatchewan, it has always been very taboo to bring up two-tiered health care or a privatized system. No one wants to become like the US. A little of it was going on already. In Saskatchewan, though, we were trying to blend it a bit better, mix private and public (after all this IS the birthplace of healthcare). So, there is this private surgery clinic that started out private, and then decided as a way to help decrease wait times, and help the people of Saskatchewan, they would open their doors to the public sector. The clinic, including my husband, have worked very hard to make sure that this was a success, that patients, surgeons, nurses, and anesthesiologists were all happy. I think they did a pretty darn good job.
Then, without warning, the district and government have decided that having a clinic in Saskatchewan wasn't good enough. It was costing too much. So, they have decided to outsource the clinic and services to ALBERTA! Great. Take our nurses and surgeons and anesthesiologists and screw them right there. Nope sorry, you get nothing. It doesn't matter that you live HERE and pay taxes HERE. We are going to just let our cowboy neighbors to the west take it all, including incomes, and our tax money. Ridiculous! I can't help thinking that if a different party were in power this would never have happened!!
Two tiered health care does exist, and it seems to be going to the highest bidder! Boo, Alberta and your big unbuilt flashy clinic!!!!

crying in the night

2011-03-02T19:19:00.003-06:00

I cried the other night. Yes, I had been reading a book and the main character's love had just died, but really, it was more than that. There I was sitting in bed, alone, reading this, when I started to cry. Not just a little. It was like I was mourning, and I think I was.

Sometimes my job is really hard. We see so much hardship, so much unfairness. But, for some reason we are just supposed to let it go and pretend it doesn't exist. I think that most of the time it has to be that way. If I thought about all the awfulness that exists in what I do, I don't think I could do what I do. Maybe that is why there is so much black humour in medicine. We make light of things so that we can carry on, so we can sleep at night.

Once in awhile, though, it catches up with you. The first time someone dies on your table, you never forget. The faces of the families haunt you. And, always the questions: did you do everything you could? Was there something more? And, what if it had been someone else doing the case, would the outcome be different?

So, the other night I cried. I cried for the first person to die on my table, and the many more after that. I cried for the babies born into this world with parents who are on drugs and can't care for them properly. I cried for the people whose diagnosis of cancer is confirmed in the OR. The women told they couldn't have children. And for the children and parents I have cared for both in the OR and ICU who have fought and lost. Most of all, though, I cried for their families.

I believe that there is an afterlife. I believe in a higher power who looks after us and cares for us. I believe that we all go to a better place, or a least get a second chance. So, it is the families that it is hard on. That is who misses them, who grieves.

And that night, I grieved with them.

City and Colour and Cyberfriends

2011-02-21T20:30:00.002-06:00

I blog for my sanity. I blog for catharsis. To write down words that I might otherwise not be able to express to anyone else. I blog for me.

So, you might ask, Why blog, then? Why not just write everything down in a journal? If is just for me anyway, why do I care if anyone reads this? Well, on one hand, I don't care if anyone reads this. On the other hand, I think it is great that they do. I guess the reason is that I hope that I am not alone out there. That, somehow somewhere, there is someone out there experiencing the same things as I am. I feel like if I have the courage to write my experiences and feelings that that may strengthen someone else.

It works the other way, too. I had an anonymous person comment on one of my posts. They said that my words were exactly what they needed to hear that night, like an old friend. Hearing that made it all worth it. They also mentioned a band I had never heard - City and Colour. So, I thought I would check it out. And, I love it! I immediately downloaded a bunch of their music. I am, right now, listening to them as I write this.

Tonight, this blog goes out to all of those who read, and all of those who write. Not just on blogs, but other forms of Cyberspace. Keep posting and commenting on Facebook. Keep Tweeting your goings on. One post at a time we can stay connected, and make a change, even if it is just for one person, to help them get through a lonely night.

Happy Teach

2011-02-18T18:01:00.002-06:00

If you read this blog, you probably know that I have a new job. No, I am still an Anesthesiologist. That hasn't changed. I have another job. I am the Undergraduate Education Coordinator for the Department of Anesthesiology in Regina. Sounds impressive, right. Not really. There are a lot of emails, and meetings, and emails about meetings. Sometimes, I feel really frustrated that nothing is changing. See, I can't make any changes on my own. As the University of Saskatchewan is our parent program, and we are just a satellite in the "Distributive Model of Learning", I must comply with what they want and see fit. I have a lot of ideas and passion, and a lot of the time I just feel like the program is stagnant. Everyone is busy, and stuff just takes TIME.

However, lately I have felt very fulfilled with my new position. I have been fortunate to have a really great bunch of students come through our program lately. Not all of them want to do Anesthesia. In fact, not a single one lately wants to do Anesthesia, but they are all interested. They can all see the value in what we do and how it can impact the rest of their careers, and patient care. They have been keen, interested, and generally fun to be around! So, that in itself has been rewarding.

But it is even better than that! First off, I have seen that some of what I am saying to the students is actually sinking in! They are LEARNING! I worked with a resident today and he remembered a lot of what we talked about the time before. That is really what this job is about - imparting knowledge.

Then, there is the fact that by being around students, it helps me to take a look at my own knowledge and my own practice. Why do I do the things I do? How can I have forgotten that much information in such a short time (it was only 3 years since my Royal College Exam!!). It is a great motivator to continue to learn when you fear that you might look like an idiot in front of a student. Teaching forces you to stay current and in the know.

Finally, there are the other perks. I have met students who, like me, are Celiacs and are constantly in search for great Gluten Free recipes. It has been great to bond with those people and swap stories and recipes (gotta love networking, however it happens ;) ). And, last but not least, I have been nominated for Teacher of the Year in Regina!!!!!! I love to teach, but was always worried I wasn't any good. You know, sometimes you just aren't into it. Just like sometimes they aren't into learning, I get it. So, to even have the priviledge of being nominated is so incredibly flattering. When I heard that, it just made my day! Heck, I could ride that wave for months!

More property?

2011-02-13T17:00:00.002-06:00

We have had really good luck with property in the past. We bought our first house in Saskatoon for a ridiculously low price and managed to make $200,000 when we sold it. Then, we bought a condo in Regina for my hubby to live in, while I finished school, which we sold for an extra $140,000. Somewhere in there we bought a lakefront property for what was really reasonable at the time (although some people thought we overpaid, there was nothing cheaper that was usuable). And, we bought our house in White City that we now live in. So, right now we own 2 properties - our house and our cabin.

Our cabin, however, is a real piece of shit. No, really. The property itself is lovely and very usable, and so we use it a lot. But the house was built in the 1950s, and not very well. After 60 years, it is finally and totally falling apart. The biggest problem is that the roof has been leaking for years (we finally reshingled it) before we even got it. Now the roof is rotten, and probably the walls too. It is really gross actually. Not to mention the fact that it is too small to even house a regular sized bed.

We got a phone call from our neighbours at the lake today. They are selling their place. So, that gives us a new option. We could keep our house and build something on it eventually (which is our original plan, but my hubby has put off for 5 years already), or we could just buy their place, and then just landscape our lot. It would give us double the property size, and more privacy because of that.

They have put a lot of work into their house, and it looks great. It has lots of room, a big kitchen, and is winterized. Just what we want. We think we could put a big deck on the side of the house (big enough for a hot tub for sure!), a proper boat house on the other side of the house, and like I said landscape ours.

So, where is the problem? Well, we are so close to having EVERYTHING paid off (our big house, our newly landscaped yard, and our cabin at the lake), that my hubby really doesn't want to incur anymore debt. I can't say as I really blame him, but it would solve our dilemma of the cabin. We would have a winterized cabin, that wasn't rotting, that shouldn't need any work for a long time, that we could use for a long time (at least 15-20 years). I am also torn for another reason. If we just wait, and build our own place, we can build what we want. Not to mention, that having more property means more work. More grass to mow. More trees to water. Sure, we could put a huge deck on (that would help), and zeroscape some of it, but still. We are just not sure. Maybe we should go look at it? Maybe, they would give us a deal because we know them.

HHHHhhmmmmmmmm....... What to do?

I love you more than soup

2011-01-30T12:56:00.002-06:00

"I love you." My husband says to me. "More than soup?" I reply. He snickers, "That depends. What kind of soup?"

This is a silly banter between my husband and myself that we often repeat. It doesn't mean anything to anyone, but us. I guess it stems from the fact that soup is comforting. It warms you up from the inside out, and fills you up. That, I guess, is what we mean by that. We love each other like that.

Nonetheless, as I said in my last post, sometimes a good bowl of soup is all you need (seems weird that my last couple of posts have been about soup). So, instead of just blogging about it, I thought I would actually give you the recipe.

Now, remember, I am all about quick. I love to cook, but I don't like labour intensive meals. Usually I have a lot of stuff going on, so at home I don't like to make meals that take any longer than 45 minutes or so. So, below is a very quick recipe for Mexican Black Bean Soup.

1 can Black Beans (do not drain)

1 cup salsa

2 cups (or more if you think it needs it) Chicken Stock

1 tsp garlic powder

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp mustard

tabasco (a couple of drops is all you need)

Salt to taste

Put all this in a pot, bring to a boil. Then, just before serving, puree a little of the soup so it is creamy but still has some whole beans in it (this can be done right in the pot with a hand-held mixer). Top with grated cheese, if desired, and serve with toast.

MMMMmmmmm.... Spicy, warm, and hearty. He just might love this soup more.

Lentil Soup for the Soul

2011-01-15T13:02:00.002-06:00

Sometimes something so simple can be so comforting. Soup is often like a warm hug, especially on a cold day. And, when you make a home-made healthy version that is even better. That was what I needed today after the news I got.

Back in November (see my previous posts), we wrote the Advanced Perioperative Transesophageal Echocardiography Exam. It is a North American Exam that Cardiologists, Ultrasonographers, and some Anesthesiologists write. It is a requirement to become certified in Perioperative TEE in the US. And, it is a requirement for our department to be able to continue to do Cardiac Anesthesia.

Well, I failed the exam.

Admittedly, I am NOT a Cardiologist, nor Ultrasonographer. I am not even an anesthesiologist who has done a cardiac fellowship. So, what the heck was I doing writing this exam? Well, as I said, it is a requirement by our department. No other department requires this, and it is useless anywhere else, but most departments require a fellowship to do Cardiac. As well, prior to this it was a different exam. There used to be just a Perioperative TEE exam. Now, there is a basic and advanced, and for some reason in their infinite wisdom, our department decided we needed the Advanced exam.

I have been preparing myself for this result. I studied and studied, but when I got to the exam, it all but blew me away. I was pretty sure at that point I had failed the exam. My hubby and a couple of others wrote it with me, and we all felt the same way - like we had just been sucker-punched in the belly.

Am I bothered by the outcome? Well, seeing as my hubby passed (which is no surprise, as he is brilliant), and I did not, a little bothered. I can write it again, but I am not sure I want to. I would miss some of the people who work in that room. I would miss the expertise of putting in all the lines. But, honestly, I would not miss the stress. The biggest stress comes not from the anesthetic (I can give a cardiac anesthetic, and get the patient off the table), but it is the TEE. I really have never felt that I had the skills, and was just playing at TEE.

So, what do I do. I made some home-made lentil soup, and congratulated my hubby. He did great. He really wanted this, and I am happy for him.

Do I continue on with cardiac and try again? I am not really sure. I don't know if I care that much to put all that effort in again (such a nice feeling that nothing was truly riding on this). I think I have enough different things on my plate (especially now with being the new Undergraduate Teaching Coordinator for Anesthesia).

For now, I will eat my steamy hearty bowl of lentil soup, and ponder. So warm, so comforting, and right now just what I need.

The man I love

2011-01-12T14:25:00.002-06:00

My husband continues to surprise me. He sometimes comes off as rough and gruff, with an undertone of sarcasm. He loves to poke fun at people and make jokes. I love that he is so funny (he can always make me laugh, even in the middle of an argument), but he has other qualities that I love as well. One of these was exemplified the other night.

My hubby was outside snow-blowing the driveway, and noticed our neighbor working hard to clear her driveway with a shovel. He asked her if she wanted him to come and give her a hand and blow off her driveway as well (which is a lot where we live, as you could park 6 cars on our drive). She happily accepted. However, Jurgen noticed that she was still unhappy and there was other stuff going on. The details of what don't really matter.

Seeing how unhappy and defeated she was he came inside, and asked me if it was OK if we invited her for supper. Knowing that he never does this kind of thing, I immediately agreed (although we were only having meatloaf and was worried about that), without asking. I knew there had to be a good reason. He went out, and she graciously accepted.

In the end, he made someone's day. She had been having a horrible day with one thing going wrong after another. The snow on the driveway was just the ICE-ing on a ruined cake. So, by this simple neighborly gesture, he made her day. She was able to relax a bit knowing supper had been taken care of. Not to mention, that we got to know her a bit better than before.

That is him - my loving, caring, and of course, hilarious husband.

snow

2011-01-09T19:05:00.003-06:00

Snow

Beautiful

sparkling white.

Icy cold

fluffy white.

Our noses red

we feel alive.

It falls down

all white and fluffy.

While inside we stay

nice and cozy.

Outside

your breath we see.

Playing in it

we feel so free.

How could anyone

not love something

so beautiful?

Jane Fonda

2010-12-23T15:20:00.002-06:00

I was watching Oprah today and Jane Fonda was on. They were taking a look back at her life, as she has just published her memoirs. What an amazing life she has had! And, to look the way she does at 72! Wow.

She said something that resonated with me. She said for so much of her life she was worried that "Today was the day they might find out" she was a fraud. I think we ALL feel that way. We all have accomplishments that we are proud of, and I don't think it has anything to do with that. It has to do with self doubt, and we all have it. That nagging feeling that maybe we don't belong, that we haven't really accomplished what we did on our own two feet. That there has been some mistake, and somehow, sometime we will be found out. I worry that someone will find out that I shouldn't do medicine, that I am not qualified, and I don't belong. Clearly, this is not the case, as I have all the paper documents to prove it, but the worry remains. I guess when something is so important to you, you really don't want anyone to take it away, and worry about it.

For so many years she felt like this, but doesn't anymore. Amazing that with age, she could over come this. Is it wisdom? Is it age? What gave her this revelation? It gives one hope that despite being a different person at different ages, we can learn from our past. We can forgive, and let go, and grow into a stronger more beautiful person.

Stupid Microsoft

2010-12-09T21:45:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I wish I wasn't such an idiot.

Oh sure, that might sound funny coming from someone with 14 years of post-secondary education and two degrees, but there are definitely different types of intelligence. I may be able to memorize something and think through a problem in my work place, but when it comes to other things I am just a total idiot.

I asked for a new computer for my birthday. There is some debate about whether or not I specified that I wanted a Mac or not. Regardless, I find it is hard to use. It is definitely not intuitive. For example, opening up multiple web browser pages takes multiple steps with the Mac. Downloading software from the internet takes a special web browser. Things like that. Why can't it just be simple?

Then, I made the error of actually calling the "help line" listed on the website where I downloaded (or attempted to) some software. No one was helpful at all. Stupid Microsoft and their stupid help line that was not helpful at all. In short, I spent two and a half hours calling different hotlines. I spoke to over a dozen people on three different continents, and no one seemed to be able to fix the problem (nor help with) I was having. To me the problem seemed simple: I can't download the software I purchased. That shouldn't be that hard to fix, right?

It seems that the biggest problem was actually finding someone who was willing to take ownership in this. I was bounced back and forth between different agencies: "No, you need the Canadian Microsoft". "No, you need the Microsoft Store." "No, we don't deal with downloads, you need technical support." "Oh, we don't deal with Macs here, you have to call another line." And my personal favourite, "We can't fix a download from Microsoft, you need to call this other company who deals with the downloads."

Ultimately, it boiled down to me getting so frustrated and angry that not only did I want to chuck this stupid computer in the snow, but I vowed to never buy anything from Microsoft ever again! Sigh, as Microsoft and Apple are the two big computer giants, I have to deal with one of them.

I managed (with tears) to convince my husband to see what he could do. I didn't ask him earlier, because he is always saying how I never do anything for myself (except earn a living, cook, clean, laundry, and plan every fun thing we have ever done). Then, he couldn't finish the download because he needed a password to get into my computer. He wondered why I put one on in the first place. Simple: it asked for one during set up, and I am tired of him being in my business. Well, that was a big mistake in saying that! He refused to help at all after that. Luckily, I managed to figure the password out.

So, if I wasn't such an idiot I would...

Remember my passwords, know how to use a Mac computer, know just how to download stuff, know not to download stuff from a website, and maybe never have gotten a Mac all together.

Sigh, too bad about the idiocy. All I can do now is live with it.

Down with Zombies!

2010-11-29T19:23:00.003-06:00

I don't understand the new obsession people seem to have with Zombies. There have been all those movies - ZombieLand, Shawn of the Dead, 28 Days later, Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, etc. And now, that new TV mini series Walking Dead.

I personally have a phobia of Zombies (although they don't exhist). I can watch almost anything - monsters, thrillers, killers, aliens, etc., but not zombies. It stems from when I was a kid. I watched all these movies, and then "played" the movies, and got totally freaked out!

I really think it says something about society. It is like we all feel a little "dead" inside, like walking zombies. We feel that with all the problems in our own lives and all the problems with the world, that we couldn't possibly "feel" any more. So, we become dead inside. Not to mention the fact that society as a whole tells us what to buy, what to wear, how to act, what to think. So, we are just mindless beasts, plodding along, shuffling our feet, unfeeling, uncaring, not alive. And thus, zombies are just a reflection of how we are all feeling.

And those people in the movies (and TV series) that fight the zombies? They are what we really wish we could be. Good hearted, caring people who fight for what we believe in and try to make a difference in the world. We are constantly threatened by the virus of the world that endangers our humanity.

So, I say boo! to the zombies! We will not go quietly into the night! We will not allow society to dictate a dead life for us. We will fight, and change, and FEEL. No way will we end up like Columbus, who says, "It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm."

Alright, I lied, I do like that one movie, but hey, it's funny.

reprieve

2010-11-24T20:41:00.002-06:00

Whenever it gets like this I always feel like I need a vacation. So tired. Working so hard.

The last 3 days I have had a student (which is draining), and have been late every day. It boils down to working 10-12 hours every day. Makes for a long week. And, I am on call this weekend (Friday, Sunday).

The other problem is all the snow we've had. I like winter and snow, but it has been so Grey. I feel like I could take minus 40 any day as long as there is sun. Right now we don't have either. It is cold, snowy, and grey. Boo.

Sigh. Sometimes I wish I could just have a nice boring desk job in which I worked 9-5. Having a coffee break and lunch break would be great. Sometimes I just dream of going out for lunch.

Well, good thing we are going to Vegas in the 2nd week of Dec. It will be fun, but I am hoping we will get a bit of rest in as well. Maybe I will book a spa treatment for myself. Either way, it will be a nice reprieve.

And then there is Christmas coming. Again, boo. Not a fan. Too much stress and too much to do.

Maybe I'd fee better in the hot tub.

Last bit of summer?

2010-11-07T16:23:00.003-06:00

It feels like summer. In a year where it rained SO much that our unfinished yard looked like a lake for most of the summer, we are having a gorgeous November. Admittedly, it is only a week in, but it is lovely. We had a really nice October too, until the inevitable snow storm right before Halloween. What is with that? Why do SK kids always have to find costumes they can wear OVER their snow suits?

Anyway, I am indulging in the nice weather by sitting outside, in the sun, with a beer while I make BBQ chicken. I decided to have my husband's family over while it is still nice. I am trying to soak up as much sun and get as much vitamin D as possible before the long cold months set in.

Luckily, we are going to some warmer places over the winter months. This is fast becoming a fantastic habit. Vegas in December to do some last minute Christmas shopping and warm up a bit, and then Cuba in February for 2 weeks. That has to be one of my favourite things to do - go on a "hot trip" in the winter. It definitely helps when you have 6 months of winter.

Now that that silly exam is over, I feel like I can relax a little. (At least until I find out that I failed the stupid thing) We have been out for dinner, watched some movies, and, of course, laid in the hot tub. Life is good when you are finished your exams (at least until something else comes up!), and have some free time.

Heavy Hearted After the Cardiac Exam

2010-11-01T18:40:00.004-06:00

I thought I was done with all this. Stress, worry, and most of all that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach after a bad exam. It is that feeling that haunts most adults. The nightmare of being back in middleschool/highschool/college and having forgotten to study for that big exam (what exam?! Oh my god!). People told me that feeling would go away. Those nightmares would vanish. Apparently, not so. Not when you keep taking exams.

The good thing about this exam is it doesn't really matter. No matter what, my life doesn't change. I still have a great job, in a great city, with great people. I still have an amazing family, and an amazing house, and a great life. If I don't pass, I might have to write it again, or I might not be able to do cardiac anesthesia anymore, but I can still do everything else. Again, my life doesn't really change, but it still sucks.

My hubby and I wrote the same exam at the same time today, a first for us. We have discovered that we don't study the same, we don't handle stress the same, and we are a bit competitive. When we finished we both felt pretty shitty about the exam. The difference was that he thought this was "the hardest exam he had ever written". I can't really say the same. Does that mean I did better than him? Most likely not (he is "scary smart"), but I have done REALLY poorly on some exams in the past. I don't think he ever really has. I am willing to wait and see how it goes. Maybe we will both be surprised.

Sigh....

Nonetheless, it felt really good to come home (the exam was in Saskatoon, which I do not miss), see the kitties, and then watch the sunset from the hot tub. That felt better. I just wish that heavy pit in my stomach would go away.

I guess I'll just have to stop taking exams.

10 great things about SK

2010-10-23T16:47:00.004-06:00

1. Beautiful long lasting sunsets where the colour almost blinds you.

2. Space, miles of miles of it.

3. Peace. Thank God there aren't so many people here It is SO lovely just to have silence once in awhile.

4. People being neighborly. Before I even moved to my town and was looking at the house, the guy across the street came and helped us when our car got stuck, and he didn't even know us! No one in Vancouver would do that!

5. Reasonable realty. Almost anyone can own a little house here. A great way to build a little nest egg.

6. Comraderie. People from SK stick together. We love our province, our hockey, and our football team.

7. Wildlife. Not having so many people means you can see them in your backyard! Deer, prairie chicken, coyotes all so close you could touch them.

8. Raw lanscape. A landscape so untouched that people come from all over to hunt and fish here in places so remote that you can only fly in.

9.Talent. So much talent resides and is from here. We are a small province, but we are mighty. Artistic and scientific minds abound.

10. Hard workers. People who live by the sweat of their brow and work the land and don't feel the need to "keep up with the Jones".

SK is a fantastic province full of beauty and friendly people with purpose.

Thanksgiving

2010-10-08T17:15:00.003-06:00

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to be thankful for what we have. So, as it is thanksgiving weekend, I thought I would blog out a list.

1. The weather. OMG, it has been so beautiful here lately!

2. My beautiful yard. After many months of thinking it would never get done, both the back and front yards are finally finished (allowing us to indulge in the beautiful weather)!

3. Our hot tub in the back yard. So lovely (see one of my previous posts).

4. A great job. When I was in the thick of things always studying, doing research, and preparing rounds, I was never sure if it would be worth it in the end, but, thankfully, it is. Many times I can't even believe they pay me for what I do!

5. Travel. We have been some amazing places in the last couple of years: Thailand, Greece, Jamaica, Las Vegas, BC, Montreal, California. There are so many places in the world yet left to see. I can't wait!

6. This great country of Canada that we live in. No matter where I go, I am always happy I am Canadian.

7. My home. Again, no matter where we go, I am always glad to come home.

8. My house. Ok, this might be beating the bush a little. But a home is where your heart is, that can be anywhere, but I really do love our house. Our house in White City is so great for us, and just so perfect!

9. My cats. Seven and Stupe are really good cats. No matter how I am feeling I can always come home to some furry loving - purring and face licking!

10. My friends. I have a great group of people I am privileged to call my friends. Through all walks of life at every point in my life I have been blessed with knowing wonderful people.

11. My family. I am blessed to have such a great family. My immediates, My grands, and my in laws. All wonderful people!!

12. Health. Not just for me, but my whole family is very healthy. Thank goodness!

13. My hubby. Probably most important. He keeps me grounded, is great fun to be around, and is always a source of comfort. We balance each other well.

There are probably many more things I could come up with to be thankful for (I have such a great life!), but these are the tops for now.

What are you thankful for?

Physician advocate

2010-10-01T17:01:00.003-06:00

My husband asked me a question that I thought was very true today. He said that there are a ton of patient advocate groups. Different places where patients can go if they feel they have been treated wrongly, and launch a complaint. But what about physicians? There doesn't seem to be any kind of organization which fills the same role for us. No one cares.

The only group that has any semblance of that is the CMPA (Canadian Medical Protection Agency), and personally I don't find them helpful. Oh yeah, they are really good when it comes to defending us in court (most often they win, and if they don't think they can, they settle), but they are not very touchy-feely. The one time that I had to contact them about a case that I thought had gone wrong (through no fault of my own, as I was a resident), all they told me was "not to talk to anyone about this". There I was a first year resident feeling afraid and alone, and terrible about the outcome, and that was all they could say? Thanks. Thanks a lot.

So why is that? Do patients really not value what we do? I don't believe that is the case. Are all physicians so bad? I don't believe that either. Or is it our system of a mostly non-litiginous based society (versus the States), where patients feel they need someone to complain to because they don't want to take it all the way to the courts? I don't know, but it doesn't sit well with me.

We work hard. We have given up the best years of our lives studying and working hard to become the best physicians we can in order to give our patients the best care. In the years where my other friends were getting married, having babies, and beginning to advance in their careers, I was stuck in a classroom for 8 hours a day, and then would study for at least another 4 more. And no, not for the average 3-5 years it takes for most people to get a degree, but for 14 years! OK, sure I am whining now. Was it worth it in the end? Sure. Am I happy doing what I am doing? Absolutely. And I wouldn't change it for the world.

But really, when someone who is SO good at their jobs gets a complaint from a patient (and farther up even) that was in NO WAY below the standard of care, that is just sad. No, this wasn't me who had the complaint launched, but I feel for that person. I feel like we really give up a lot for our patients (long years, long days, long hours, lack of sleep, lack of any kind of recognition), and we all do it willingly for THEM. So, really, where are OUR advocates?!

Backyard bliss

2010-09-28T17:07:00.003-06:00

Last night I decided to watch the sunset (in the hot tub, of course!) from our back yard. I marvelled at the sounds of the coming night like a vampire newly "born". The crickets were singing, birds different than the day were calling, and as fall is fast approaching, there were Canada geese calling to each other getting ready for their long journey south. As the sounds of the geese came to a cresendo, a new sound broke into the night. Coyotes began their lonely howl, longing for the birds that had not yet taken flight. While listening to all of this, I watched as the sky slowly turned colour; first orange and yellow, then finally cresting in a sea of reds and purples, as blackness faded in. Such beauty. Such stillness.

Today, I experienced a different joy in my own back yard. With the fence finally in place, the cats were able to go outside to run and play. I giggled as Seven chased after a butterfly, only to have it fly away to taunt her again. And Stupe rolls in the grass, and lays there sunbathing in the warm later afternoon sun. If they could speak I am sure they would tell me they are at peace. They are happy, and they love the new yard.

So often, now, I am struck by how fortunate I am. How wonderful it is, my life, on the Other Side of the Mountain.

Hard to be a Patient

2010-09-23T16:11:00.003-06:00

Yesterday I was on the other side of things. The other side of the curtain, so to speak. Yesterday, I was a patient. It was so hard to be a patient, so hard to relinquish control. And I believe it is all because I know too much. I know what can happen, and what doesn't. I know what can go wrong, and what I think is right. Just too much knowledge.

No, what I had done was not earth shattering, or even scary for most people. All I had done was a gastroscopy (a stomach scope). I have had one before. In fact, that was how they diagnosed my celiac disease in the first place. That is how it is always done - they scope you and biopsy your duodenum. Last time I was freaked out too. I was still a resident, but I asked on of the staff guys who I thought of as more of a friend to come by and give me some sedation. He didn't end up doing anything, but the internist felt more comfortable to give me sedation, enough sedation! It was still fairly traumatic, although I don't remember anything of the procedure that time, but I didn't want to go for a follow up scope.

So, we come to yesterday , which is 5 years later, and the only reason I am doing this is so I can get disability insurance. Otherwise, I still wouldn't have gone. I feel better, my numbers are better, so why would I get a scope? Sigh, I guess I should have just done it earlier.

It was so hard to be a "good patient". You know, compliant, trusting, not crazy. I failed. I was really keyed up, and kept telling the nurses how much of what drugs to give me. I gagged and coughed and was, unfortunately, not the model patient. I probably apologized to the surgeon 100 times, and thanked her just as many, so at least that was good.

Then, we rushed out as soon as they would let us go (after turning off my own IV, and refusing to eat anything). We stopped off and got a monster amount of take-out, as I had starved ALL DAY for this, and felt like I deserved good food. Yum, grease!

On the drive home, the Gods go me back. Traffic was terrible, as it was now rush hour, and my hubby had to stop and start a lot. So, I got nauseous. I sat up, opened the window, and just tried to breathe. "Slow breaths, in and out", I told myself. That is what I tell my patients, right? I thought I was getting better, and then the blackness started to come. I told my husband I thought I was going to pass out. He looked at me, and after seeing how pale I was (including my lips), he thought he would check my pulse.

"Holy crap, your having a Vagal!" What he meant was that my pulse was plummeting along with my blood pressure (it was close to 30 at the worst), and the lower it got the blacker my vision got. Layer by layer, it got darker, and darker, and I felt like I was hotter, and falling further and further down a deep dark hole.

I have never seen my hubby drive so fast. We were finally on the highway and we have a little kit at home for emergencies when we are driving with pretty much everything we would need (IVs, ephedrine, atropine...). So, he knew that if he could just get me home, he could treat me and make me feel better (not to mention fix my deteriorating blood pressure).

We live 10km out of town, so by the time we pulled into the driveway, I had climbed my way our of the dark hole and lay there reminding myself to breathe. Unfortunately, the greasy food I had thought was going to be so good, just did not sit well. Pain and nausea are not a good combo with take-out.

SIGH. THIS is why I didn't want to do it earlier! Doctors really are the worst patients. Not only because we know too much and try and control everything (its in our nature, we can't help it), but we get all the complications too. Luckily, I shouldn't have to have this done again once my disability finally goes through. Stupid insurance agencies!

just living life

2010-09-14T16:55:00.004-06:00

I haven't blogged in a long time. Sad, but true.
A lot of times I feel like unless something INCREDIBLE is happening in my life, there is just no point in blogging. And, incredible, unfortunately, doesn't always mean good. Lately, I have just been living, and that doesn't seem blog-worthy, but sometimes, that is what people want to read. They want to know (especially if they live far away) just what your day to day life is like. So, here goes.
Over the summer, I have been trying to train for a marathon. I am running the GoodLife run in TO in October. It should be fun. Really, though, it was just an excuse to go to TO and see my friend, Jennie. I haven't trained enough, but I have decided that I really just have to get out there and JUST DO IT (as the commercial goes). If I don't, it will hurt, and that will suck.
My other procrastination project is my Transesophageal Echocardiography Exam (TEE Exam). I just don't feel like writing this stupid thing. I mean, I llike working in the heart room and doing big cases, and I really feel like by doing cardiac anesthesia it makes me a better anesthesiologist (I can handle anything then), but I am just sort of examed out. However, I have paid a huge amount of $$ and will be humiliated if I fail, so again I just have to DO IT!
So, what have I been doing instead of these? Well, working (but not that hard), and enjoying life. We have been at the lake any time it isn't raining (which it has rained a LOT this summer), and enjoyed some time away. We went to BC for a weekend, had a few weddings, watched some of our yard be completed (this deserves its own blog, as it is so frustrating), and I just got back from a girl's Vegas trip (photos and blog to follow).
I suppose I could have blogged about any one of these things, but they just don't seem earth shattering enough. I really like my life, but maybe others who read this will think it is boring, I don't know.
There are a few things I would like to be doing: Jazz class on Sundays, University chorus on Mondays, Pilates on Tuesdays, Learn to swim class on Wednesdays, ball class on Thursdays, and Spanish class on Saturdays, but somehow I think that is too much. If I ever win the lottery (although I rarely buy a ticket and hardly ever check them), I will just take classes all the time, and travel. As it is, I am having trouble organizing running, studying, and pilates.
Anyhoo, enough with the procrastination (man! I am SO good at that), and off to study. At least I will work on one of the things on my list.

Exam woes

2010-08-31T18:53:00.003-06:00

I am supposed to be studying for an exam right now, and I just can't do it. After 5 long years of studying and worrying for one huge exam, I just can't get motivated. I am scheduled to write the Perioperative Transesophageal Echo Exam (PTe Exam) the beginning of November. Essentially, our department has decreed that in order to do Cardiac Anesthesia you have to have passed this exam. In addition, since the same surgeons do Thoracic as do Cardiac, this means you need to have this silly exam to do that too. That sucks. I really enjoy working with the Cardiothoracic team, but I am not keen on this exam. Now, if it was an exam like any other where I just learn the info and regurgitate it, that would be fine, but this is a SKILL. I might be able to fake my way through the MCQs, but the other stuff, maybe not. I think I am just wimping out. I mean, a straight forward CABG or Thoractomy is just that, straight forward. It is also fun. I just don't like the stressful stuff, life valves. It is not the hemodynamics that stress me, it is the TEE. I really feel like I just didn't get enough training in residency.
Well, medicine is supposed to be about lifelong learning. I can teach myself stuff (I taught myself highschool physics, afterall), so maybe with the books and videos I have I can learn it. I guess I just have to suck it up, and buckle down.
I just have so many bad memories of studying for hours on end. It feels like the first exam.

Patio love

2010-08-09T20:19:00.002-06:00

I haven't posted in awhile. It seems my life has been filled with landscaping, work, and the lake. Two of which I am very happy with.
We got back from Greece and got back into the swing of things right away. Work needed bodies, and we needed money, so it was a good fit. And then, there was the landscapers. They weren't able to do anything on our yard, and were a month behind due to all the rain SK had while we were away. That just meant that we were able to watch all of the work they did.
Every day when I would come home, I would think to myself, "what have they done today?". I would walk around and see only small changes: first the weeds were gone, then the land was level, then the first layer for the patio, and the second, and so on. Now, they have the patio and retaining walls finished, and most of the brick planters finished, and there is even top soil on part of our "lawn"!! It is so exciting! My hubby and I have taken advantage of the new patio a couple of nights in a row now. We sit out there with our tiny bistro set which is dwarfed by trhe enormous patio, sipping wine, watching the kitties play in the dirt. Seven even thought it was her litterbox at one point (ew!). We are loving the patio! Soon, very soon, we will have grass and trees, and flowers, and a hot tub to go along with our beautiful new patio!
Man, I have to say I am so happy I can afford to have someone else do this for me. Not only do I not have the time or desire, but I don't have the know-how, or the patience. And these guys are really taking the time and effort to make it look GOOD! Best $$$$$$ ever spent!!

see my Facebook profile for updated pics!!

Great Happy Canada!

2010-07-06T10:52:00.002-06:00

We are back at work after a fantastic weekend. We have been out of the country and so haven't been able to use our cabin. This weekend, though, we spent most of our time there. The weather cooperated and we managed to take the boat out quite a bit. Tubing, skiing,and swimming was had by all. Even my mom tried skiing after she got over her initial fear of the water and realized how warm the water was! So brave of her!! My grandma turned 93 on the weekend as well. We had ice cream cake, and fireworks to celebrate. And although she didn't ski, she had a great time on the boat watching us tube! All in all a really fantastic weekend! Life is good.

home is where the heart is

2010-06-20T21:23:00.002-06:00

On the flight home I watched a movie called "One Week". It is about this guy who decides to drive from Toronto to the Pacific Ocean after his diagnosis with cancer. The videography in the movie is amazing!
As I watched the scenes go by about one province to another, I got really homesick. I thought to myself, Gee our home really is beautiful! I kept thinking about all the scenes they showed and the road he was driving, and thinking that I had been on the same roads many times.
Then, today we couldn't sleep and so we were up really early. I went for a morning run. It was SO lovely! The sun was shining, the shy was blue, everything here is SO green (on account of all the rain, what a good month to be away, by the way), and it all smelled so fresh. It was a great run, and I missed it so much. I missed the sky - it seemed like there was always smog or a haze in the sky and it was never really blue. I missed the weather - not too hot or too humid. I missed the space - I ran for 10 minutes and didn't see a soul.
Travel is wonderful. Seeing new places magical. Experiencing new things amazing. But one really appreciates one's home even more after they have been away for awhile. Home is, afterall, where the heart is.

2010-06-17T02:15:00.002-06:00

We took a sunset cruise to the volcanoe and hot springs. Walking around the volcanoe was like being on the moon! From the top you can see a panoramic view of Santorini.

The next day we went to Ancient Thira. It is on the top of a mountain. It is huge! An entire city of ruins complete with sewage system and theatre! Truly amazing! It was, however, very hot at the top and there were many steps to climb to get up. We keep thinking that if we never see another set of steps it will be too soon! Everything here is built on the hillside with many steps.

This is the windy hairpin turn road we had to take to get up to the top. So scary. At points there was just a sheer cliff with nothing to restrain you, and barely enough room for 2 cars to go by. Good thing the cars in Europe are all small, no way you could get Jurgen's FJ by!

Sorry about the sideways pic.

I have just about had enough of greek food. On the way to the beach we found Senor Zorba's - a Mexican restaurant in the middle of a greek island! So good to have some nachos!

Perissa beach is very busy. There are many bars, waterskiing, and a ton of people. The "sand" is not really sand but many hot black rocks. We walked on it and swam with our shoes. Still nice to cool off in the water, though, as it is 35 degrees with 95% humidity!

Santorini

2010-06-14T02:49:00.003-06:00

Cats are everywhere in Greece. In Athens there are more dogs, but here there are cats. This one came to visit us one afternoon, so I gave him a little drink. Cute, but not as cute as mine!

This is the view down from our room. They call this the "Old Port".

Yesturday we rented a car and went all over. First wine tasting at about 4 different wineries. So lovely!

This is the famous Red Beach. It is a treacherous walk down, and no services, but definately worth seeing.

The sunset in Oia is amazing. This is the view everyone talks about. I have to admit, though, if you pretended this was wheat instead of water, it would look similar to home.

Cruisin'

2010-06-10T08:23:00.005-06:00

In Istanbul, buying rugs.

The Blue Mosque in Istanbul.

The Windmills in Mykonos.

Standing at the "Wailing Wall" in Jeruselum, Israel. We had to go to separate areas to wish/pray.

The Great Pyramid, Egypt. This was the best day ever!

I just love cats, especially this one!!

Our last stop on the cruise, Crete.

The "Big Boat"

2010-06-06T07:50:00.002-06:00

I haven't blogged in a few days because the internet on the "big boat" is very expensive (15E for one hour). So, now that we are on Mykonos and it is windy, I thought I would give you an update on how things are going.
We left Athens on Friday to embark on our 7 day cruise around the islands, Turkey, Israel, and Egypt. We have now been on the boat for 2 days. At first I thought the boat was very weird. Our stateroom is TINY. Two twin beds, a tiny TV, and the smallest bathroom I have ever seen. There is only a shower curtain between the shower and the toilet. The whole bathroom gets wet when we shower, so we leave the door open after to help it dry out. Luckily, this happens very quickly. The boat, by cruise boat standards, is small. There are probably only about 1800 passengers in all. It is easy to get to know people, as you keep running into them. That is nice, at least. The food is good, and we bought the "all inclusive" deal for drinks, which are also good. All in all, it is still a pretty good boat, but not to the same opulence that I think some of the other cruise ships are like.
Yesturday, we visited Istanbul, Turkey. It was a whorl-wind tour of the city including the Blue Mosque, the Hagid Sophia, and the Palace. It was a busy day. At the end of the day we did some shopping in the Bazaar, which was fantastic!! I tried my hand at bargaining, and I think I got some OK deals, although I am certain my mother could have gotten a better price! ;) The Turks are really good salesmen.
Today we are in Mykonos, and as I said, it is too windy to be at the beach. It is a cute little town with windmills and white washed buildings. We are only here a short while, but I don't want to do all of my shopping here as we have a lot of time in Santorini to do that as well. We were hoping to go to Paradise Beach today. It is a famous party beach with music and bars and lots of people. Jurgen would have hated it! haha. Lucky for him, the weather did not permit.
Tommorrow, we have a "day off" where we are just at sea, and then it is off to Israel. I am a little nervous to go there with all of the problems they are having right now, but I really don't think there is a good time to go. We'll see, I guess. Then, off to Egypt for a day, and back to Athens. Talk about whirlwinds!! but I am sure it will all be amazing - Turkey definately was. I would go back there.
Will write more when we have cheap internet again.

Athens to Delphi

2010-06-03T03:00:00.002-06:00

The temple of Apollo in Delphi.

Romantic dinner at the habour.

Visiting the Acropolis.

The view from our hotel - the Temple of Zeuss.

The sprawling city of Athens.

Athens

2010-06-01T22:45:00.003-06:00

We are finally here in Greece! I can't believe it!
Yesturday, we spent going around to some of the tourist areas in Athens. Our hotel, the Athens Gate, is a lovely hotel very close to most tourist destinations. It is right across the street from the Temple of Zeus, and only a 10 minute walk from the Acropolis. The roof top bar/restaurant has a fantastic view of both.
We, of course, visited both sites, and the new Acropolis Museum. The ruins were amazing! I kept wondering, as we were walking around, what it must have looked like in all its splendor 2000+ years ago. Luckily, in the museum they had some replicas, and a video of what they think it looked like.
We then went to the National Acheological Museum. It was absolutely huge! Two floors and many rooms. We definately didn't see it all. It really makes you wonder about all of the skilled laborers and craftsmen who carved all of the marble statues. I told Jurgen that I wanted a marble statue of me when I die (as most of these are from tombs)!
We met a very nice taxi driver who took us to some different spots including the top of a mountain to see panoramic views of the city and one of the harbours to have dinner. I am sure he got a kickback for taking us to that restaurant, but we didn't mind. It was good, and nice to see something different.
Today, we are doing a day trip to Delphi. This is where Apollos temple was and where the oracles were. I wonder if the gases that made them all high will still be there?! Ha ha probably not. Then, it is off to see more tourist stuff in Athens and a day trip to Sounion.
I will try to post pics when we find a real internet cafe. This one at the hotel doesn't have a plug for my camera. Good thing we have digital, as we already have a ton of pics. I am my mother's daughter, afterall!! ;)

silver lining

2010-05-27T20:07:00.002-06:00

I went out with a couple of friends the other day and I was telling them that I try to see the silver lining in things. I am not always very good at it. In fact, sometimes I downright suck at it, but I am trying more and more to see it.
So, the latest silver lining that I have been able to see is the weather. I am not sure what is going on with our weather. We had such a lovely April, and then, May has just sucked. Rain, Wind, Snow, Wind, Wind, and more Rain. Yuck. Cold Yuck. But......
We are leaving for Greece on Sunday. The bad weather gave me a chance to pack all of my light warm-weather clothes in my suitcase, without having to worry that I would need them. Also, did I mention that I am going to Greece?! There really can't be more of a silver lining than that!
I dream of sun and greek ruins, wine and sand, olives and moussaka. It is going to be great!
I will post pics and stories here - Soon!!!

One week

2010-05-22T18:00:00.002-06:00

In one week we are off to Greece!! A place I have wnted to visit for YEARS, and now we are finally going! Sure, it is not a great time to go, what with the Greece economy in the shitter and all, but I am sure it will be fine. We aren't exactly going to seek out demonstrations or anything. Worst case scenario: they stop public transportation and we can't get there, or we can't get there because of that dust cloud from the erupting volcanoe in Iceland. Middle case scenario: they stop the public transportation ONCE we are there (and maybe can't get back, oh that would be SO bad). Best case scenario: everything works out perfect and we have a fantastic time!!

Right now, it is the long weekend in May and it is raining. It is supposed to be raining for the next week, and I am not bothered by that at all. It will be warm and sunny in Greece. In fact, it is predicting it to be 28-30 degrees all week in Athens. To me it is almost better this way. I will appreciate the warm that much more seeing as it is so cold and wet here right now. Also, it gave me a chance to pack and not have to worry that I might want to wear any of my warm clothes in the next few days.

Ah, Greece. Greek food, Greek weather, Greek islands, Greek hospitality. I am looking forward to all of it!! Not to mention the side trip to EGYPT that we are taking on our cruise!! This will be a trip to remember.

Stay tuned! I will post pictures and stories (just like when we were in Thailand) while we are there.

Moms and Grandmas

2010-05-11T18:35:00.003-06:00

It was Mother's Day on the weekend. My mom is on vacation in the USA, but I still celebrated. I took my grandmother out for dinner.
I don't spend that much time with my grandma here, but I have always respected her. She is tough. Way tougher than women today, including me. She comes from a time when women worked hard. They didn't do all the jobs that men did in those days, but they definately worked just as hard. She believes in simplicity and staying active. She was tall in a time when women wer supposed to be small and petite. She has always been strong. She is 92 and up until recently, she lived on her own, drove her own car, and danced 3 times per week.
My mom, on the other hand, is strong but in a different way. She has always been the peace keeper. She has always tried to have a positive outlook on life. Even during adversity, she is always postive.
I may not be a mom just yet (although I like to think of my cats as my "furbabies" and that I am their "mom"), but I hope that I will be just as strong and good as my mother, and my mother's mother.
So, to all the Moms and Grandmas out there (a little belated) - Happy Mother's Day.

A conference over

2010-05-02T17:40:00.002-06:00

Well, the weekend is over, and it was a success. We had 75 people attend the lectures on Saturday day. That is way more than I expected! The speakers were really good, and if I hadn't have been so preoccupied with everything going smoothly, I would have really learned something! ;)
The Friday night "Meet and Greet" put on by the district was also a success. It was very well attended by both the residents and the Regina staff. The food was really good, and the alcohol flowed. Even though I didn't really have much to do with the event on Friday, I still felt very proud.
The Saturday night event, however, was a flop. What was supposed to be about 46 people ended up being only 33 (paid for by 29). The food was really good, and the band was great, but it just wasn't well attended. The main problem was the residents. At the last minute, a lot of them decided not to come (even though they had told me they were and so we had to pay for that). I took it personally that they didn't want to come, but honestly, I can't blame them really. If I didn't have to go to a dinner with a bunch of staff people, would I have gone? Or, would I have just gone out somewhere with the other residents?
I decided not to attend the Resident's Research Day for the same reason the residents didn't attend Saturday night. I didn't want to. Why would I waste my time listening to boring research? I did attend the meeting (being the Secretary of the division), though, which was productive. We learned that the residents are NOT required to attend the educational day at all, but it was always linked to the research day in hopes that it would be better attended by the staff. Well, tit for tat, I say. If they attended the other stuff, I might be more interested in going to their stuff. Whatever. Anyway, I really wonder once the residents actually know this just how many of them will attend next year. I bet not ALL of them will (i. e. attendance will drop). We'll see.
Regardless, despite the bitterness I feel towards what I felt was a slight by the residents on the Saturday night, the weekend was a success. I had people tell me they thought it was the "best Bev Leech ever!", and not just my husband (who sort of has to tell me that).
It is just one more thing I can put on my not-so-impressive CV to improve it a bit.
My hard work paid off!

The organization of an Anesthesia educational event

2010-04-24T16:37:00.003-06:00

I am organizing a "mini conference" for next weekend. It is an educational day that is put on annually in Saskatchewan and rotates between Regina and Saskatoon. We used to attend every year as residents. Last year it was in Saskatoon, and being the first year as a staff person, I did not attend. The people at the annual business meeting (which happens after the conference) decided that this year it should be in Regina, and that I should be the one organizging it. So, I was "voluntold" to do it. I originally was a bit put off that they did this to me, but in the end I agreed to it.
So, since last year, I have been working on this. I, luckily, have had some help from a couple of the other gals. One, in particular, has been super helpful. Unfortunately (or not!), she has just given birth to a beautiful baby girl and will not be around to help me on the actual weekend. The other gal has agreed to help me on the actual day, so that is good.
Our topic for the year is Neuroanesthesia. I feel proud that we have such a renowned speaker (Dr. Arthur Lam) coming all the way from Seattle, Washington. In addition, we have two neurosurgeons, another neuroanesthesiologist, and a patient speaking. It should be interesting.
We have over 60 people coming to the event. However, over half of those people are residents, who have to come. That part kind of sucks. I realy wish there were a few more people coming. Alas, what can you do.
The other stress are the residents themselves. The district is hosting a "meet and greet" for the residents. This is an event to introduce the residents to some of the Regina Attendings, allowing for networking. We have decided to have appys in a nice restaurant to allow people to mingle a bit. Again, I really hope people decide to attend. I sort of feel like after paying for a hotel room for two nights and comping the registration fee for the conference, the least the residents could to would be to come to the "meet and greet" (again free). And again, you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink.
I will be happy when next weekend is over, and it has been a huge and fun venture that I can put on my CV! I am sure it will be a success. It will just take a bit more work.

Work hard and the Rewards will be Great!

2010-04-18T11:09:00.002-06:00

We are off to the lake today for the first time this year. They have promised the weather to be warm, and so we thought we would take advantage of it and get out there. As much as I love the lake, today I have mixed feelings. My hubby warned me this would happen, and I hate it when he is right! It is just a lot of WORK, and I am feeling lazy. We need to put the dock together, put it in the water, put the track together, put it in the water, open up the cabin, clean the entire cabin, rake and cut the lawn, go through the bedding plants, take the boat out, launch the boat, put the seadoo lift in, take the seadoo out, launch the seadoo, set out the chairs, get rid of the garbagefrom last year....... So, you can see my reservation. As much as I have been tellling my husband that it is no big deal (he was really stressing about it the other day), I need to take my own advice. Once it is all done, and the cabin is back to being a usable space, it will be great. I love our cabin, I just hate all the work. I guess that is like everything in life - work hard, and the rewards will be great!

Mind your own business

2010-04-12T13:33:00.002-06:00

Even though I am starting to get wrinkles on my face, people must think I still look young. They must. Or, why else would they still treat me like I am 3 years old?! Or, maybe they are the children - feeling the need to "tattle" on me to my superior.
I am an adult who is very conscientious of what I do for my patients. I take great care in how I treat them and giving them the proper care that they deserve. I would never do anything that I thought would put my patients in jeopardy. So, if I do something that doesn't sit comepletely right with someone (something so minor, it is ridiculous), they should mind their own business! Just because something is used a bit "off label", it doesn't mean it isn't safe. As I said, I try to do everything in my power to keep my patients safe, comfortable, and as healthy as possible (although I can't make them better than they originally came in). It offends me that someone would think otherwise.
I am tired of being pushed around. I am tired of not being treated approriately. If that person has something to say to me, they should say it.
So, I will take my own advice, I am going to tell that person exactly how I feel! Don't treat me like I am stupid or young, because I am neither!

show me the evidence!

2010-04-11T10:05:00.005-06:00

I think I am funny. No, not HAHA funny, although maybe a bit of that too, but the other kind. Despite being trained in the sciences and taught to question (which is maybe why I have such a hard time with a true ipso-facto belief in religion), I am a bit gullible. I see something on TV or in a magazine and think, "hey, that sounds really cool! I wonder if it works?".
For example, I bought these "Miracle Noodles". They are developed in Japan and are gluten free, carb free, and even calorie free. So, what are they then? Apparently, they are made of some insoluble fibre (so you just poop them out because you can't digest them), and absorb the flavour of any sauce you put with them. Well, I thought I would try them. So, I went on-line and bought 10 packs of them (that was the least you could buy). They finally came in the mail the other day, so I made some. I have to admit, they are really weird. They come in some kind of water, and you have to rinse them for 3-5 minutes with hot water, and then they are ready to eat. They do taste like nothing, but the texture is a bit weird. I guess the question really is: How much pasta do I actually eat, and is this worth it? Probably not.
I was just curious. That is what it boils down to - curiosity. Maybe not gullibility, I don't know. I guess I should think of myself as inquisitive, and that really is a sign of being trained in the sciences. Someone tells me something and I think, Hmmm, and have to see it for myself. I am willing to try almost anything once (I have Green Tea drink crystals that are supposed to boost metabolism, and melatonin for sleep), but I have to see it for myself to believe it works. Show me the evidence, but please allow me to try it.

Whining

2010-04-03T15:35:00.004-06:00

Warning: The following post contains vast amounts of whining!

So tired today. This is the longest weekend of the whole year, Easter weekend which includes Good Friday all the way to Eater Monday. I had the misfortune of "taking one for the team" and being on call for a large portion of it. Yesturday, Good Friday, I was on call. When I got to the OR there were only 4 cases, none of which seemed like they would take super long. Knowing how things sometimes progress slowly in the OR, I thought I would probably be finished around supper time. Somehow, none of those cases turned out to be the straight forward cases they were booked as - for example, a half hour tracheostomy turned into a 3 hour fiasco. Then, we were blessed with 3 more actually straight forward cases and I was finished by 11pm.
OK, so now you are thinking, that doesn't sound bad. Why is she so tired? Well, as luck, or unluck, would have it, it didn't end there.
No sooner was I tucked into my bed, cuddled with my kitties fast asleep, then does my pager go off! An emergency case to come back for, and the surgeon warns me that she probably has another one after that. Long story short, I was home for an hour and a half, and then worked straight until 8 am. That means I worked almost 24 hours completely solid! Yuck!
Normally, I would take today and recoup. Sleep in really late knowing that I had the next day as well to return to normal. Alas, not on this long weekend. I have less than 24 hours before I am back at it again doing a Labour and Delivery shift for 24 hours. Again, yuck.
Yes, I am whining. But, sometimes I feel like people (especially the nurses) don't care. I worked with two different groups of nurses (one for 8 hours, the other for 16). They don't care that I worked through lunch, and barely had time for dinner. They don't care that my cases are continuing, and continuing. They have someone to relieve them for coffee, and lunch, and coffee, and dinner, and coffee. And, when they are done their shift (at most 16 hours) they know someone is there to take over for them. Not so for me. I feel like when I tell them I want to stop for something to eat, they look at me like I am lazy. It drives me nuts.
Most the time I love my job. I get along great with all the nurses and surgeons (with a couple of exceptions). I find my job stimulating and enjoyable. I just don't like call. No, not true. I don't mind the usual call when I just work until midnight or even until 2 am. I just don't like never going home or working for 24 hours straight. Yes, whining again. It does pay off, though. I must remember that. How can I afford to go to Greece for 3 weeks in June? I work my butt off once in awhile to pay for it!
Well, I am making a home made sticky toffee pudding to take to the pot luck Easter family dinner we were invited to attend tonight. At least it smells good in here, is lovely outside, and in 24 more hours I will be finished this stretch of call. I can do it. I just need a little more chocolate to tied me over! And, maybe a nap in the afternoon tomorrow if it isn't busy (in the call room, not at home). The good always comes with the bad.

hard work paying off

2010-03-21T10:33:00.003-06:00

It seems like a lot of times I use this blog as a form of catharsis, a way to vent. When I am upset about something, or feeling badly, I use this blog as a way to express myself.
Today is a different sort of blog.
I have been feeling incredibly happy lately. I have been loving my life and everything in it! I don't know if it is the sun, or the weather, or what, but life is great!
I have a wonderful husband who I still love to pieces, two cats who love me to pieces, a great house in a nice neighborhood, a great job in which I get to hang out with nice people, and lots of fantastic friends. We are planning my dream trip to the places which were top 2 on my list of places to see, and it won't make me broke for my entire life to do it.
Even my job, which is sometimes taxing and stressful has been lovely. I have had a couple of really challenging days with tough cases, and they have gone beautifully. My patients have been really gracious, all of my lines have been effortless, even my epidurals have "fallen in".
So, now as I right this I become a crazy person. I begin to worry. It can't stay like this forever. Something has to happen. The wheels always come off, so what will it be? I guess best not to think to much on that, and just continue to enjoy the moment.
People always told me that someday all my hard work would pay off. They were right.

frustration on the road to a good life

2010-03-18T19:42:00.003-06:00

My husband has decided to make some major changes in his life. Previously, he LOVED food - Fatty, greasy, calorie-lidden food. And, he hated excercise. The only thing he would ever do would be something where gravity helped (downhill skiing) or where he was being pulled (waterskiing), but nothing else. I may have made some negative comments, but whatever. He has decided to make the change.
So, he has been working out. It started with walks in the evening with me (at first forcing him, and then with him being more amenable). Now, he has been exercising almost every day after work or during the day.
Also, he has changed his diet. He eats a litle breakfast, and then has a couple of healthy snacks in the afternoon, a healthy dinner (most of what I make is healthy anyway), and then maybe a healthy snack in the evening. He has even found a program where he can find the number of calories of pretty much anything and then calculate (with the calories burned from excercise) what it will take to lose weight.
I am so proud of him! He may not have noticed any results yet, but I feel like this is a lifestyle change for the better.
The problem is, he is discouraged. He says he doesn't feel "satisfied" and that he was happier before when he was eating fries and pizza all the time. I really feel like if he saw results, he would feel better about all of this. I think he is doing the right things, but I don't know what else he could do! How do I encourage him to keep this up? He has to know that this isn't just about weight loss, but about feeling better and living better. It is about being around longer for our family (whatever that might be - a whole other blog there).
I only hope he will start to feel better, start to see results, and continue on his road to a good life.

It is amazing what some sun can do

2010-03-12T16:58:00.003-06:00

I was feeling so down, so blue,
It is amazing what some sun can do.
I was so grumpy and didn't know what to do,
It is amazing what some sun can do.

I wasn't willing to go outside,
Knowing there was no sun to shine.
Was spring coming? There was no sign,
Still there was no sun to shine.

What was wrong? And why no fun?
This was because there was no sun.
We procrastinate and get nothing done.
This was because there was no sun.

Finally, the sky seems so blue!
It is amazing what some sun can do.
We all yell, and cheer, "woo hoo"
It is amazing what some sun can do!

Am I absolutely ridiculous for loving the sun so much?
Maybe.

Not an austerity program!

2010-03-07T13:24:00.004-06:00

I think marriages are funny. They are all pretty much the same. The same struggles, the same fights, the same bonds, really. When I listen to some of my friends complain about their loved ones, I can't help but chuckle and think that they are just like us. Not always in the same role, though, but ultimately similar.
One disagreement, it seems, that everyone has is about money. One person in every relationship is frugal, while the other is not. In a way, this is a good thing. If both persons had no regard for money and spent everything they earned, the couple would quickly be bankrupt! On the other hand, if both persons were extremely frugal, they might have tons of money, but they wouldn't have any fun, and would be very boring, indeed. So, a balance is OK. It is striking the balance that is the problem.
This comes at a time when we are attempting a balance. I don't know how many times I hear, "We can't afford it. We are on an austerity program." Oh brother! We CAN afford it! No, I don't want to buy a chunk of the moon or even pay for a trip to get there. I am talking about things like blinds, landscaping, and travel.
So, we compromise. I try not to buy everything I want all at once. But, eventually, I will get my way, and we will have blinds, landscaping, and travel. It just takes time, and perserverence. OK, not really a compromise in the strictest sence, but it works for us.
Now, what colour of blinds to put in the basement......

fog vs. fun

2010-03-06T15:42:00.002-06:00

It has been weeks of fog and cloud and I was starting to feel depressed. I find my mood is directly related to the amount of sun I get. Usually Saskatchewn is a great place to live because we get so much sun, even when it is 40 below. For some reason this year we have had a ton of fog. So strange. At first, I thought it was really neat. Sort of dreamlike. A morning white mist shrouding everything in a soft blanket of secrecy. After a few days, it had lost its appeal. Then, it was just annoying. Trying to cross the highway to get to work when you can barely see the oncoming traffic, is not fun. When work was done and I would drive home, excited that it was finally warming up, it would be cloudy or foggy again. Boo!
The other day, I couldn't stand it anymore. After having a very frustrating day at work (delays in our starts, and then avoidable complications on our case), I knew I had to run. Sometimes it is the only thing that can get me to reset again and not feel so grumpy. It was not really nice out. It was - you guessed it - cloudy, and windy. But, I had to do it. I went out anyway, and felt way better after, even if I didn't go for as long as I normally would.
Today, however, things are finally different. It is absolutely LOVELY outside. It is sunny and warm (if -1 degrees is warm). Even the cats thought it was not too bad out! And, by next week it is supposed to be +10!!!! I will be out with BELLS on!
As the sun continues to shine, the snow melts slowly away, and the temperature rises to something other than below zero, perhaps my cabin fever will slowly ebb away. More runs outside, walks with my hubby, and soon, so soon, trips to the cabin for spring clean up. To top it all off, we are planning to do our yard this year! Sigh (of contentment), I love spring.

OH CANADA!

2010-02-28T19:52:00.002-06:00

Once again, as I watch the closing Olympic games, I am struck by how awesome our country is! What a way to end the games - Winning the GOLD medal in men's hockey! We "owned the podium" in hockey. A close game with our (ever) rivals, the americans, in both the men's and women's hockey. Hearing our anthem, loud in the rink, is one of the best sounds their is! It brings tears to the eyes! It has been so great for our country to host these games. It put Canada on the map. We showed the world we can compete, and we can party!
There may be some bitterness from the other countries (Russia's newspaper has a not so nice writeup on the games), but it isn't all about winning. It is about coming together as a country and competing. Luckily, we got to do a lot of both!
In the end, I am proud to be Canadian. Proud that we have 6 months of snow and ice in which to practice for the winter olympics! Proud that we have a passion for what we do, no matter what it is! Proud of the comraderie these games have brought out in all of us!
As much as I love to travel, there is still "No place like home!".

Greek woes

2010-02-22T20:53:00.002-06:00

I love to plan trips, but I fear it is getting the better of me. I have spent a LOT of time planning our next trip - to Greece. The problem is there is just SO much to see! And I don't just want to run around randomly.
So, I initially found a site (http://www.travel2greece.com/) which specializes in "luxury" vacations, but it seemed pretty pricey, not to mention the fact that the travel agent was from Greece and couldn't give me prices in CAD. When I told her I thought it was too pricey (it didn't even include airfare), and the hotels she had picked didn't get very good ratings, she got offended. She told me that "Greece isn't just about sitting on the beach and getting a tan". After that I wasn't so sure I wanted to book with her.
Then, I contacted a Canadian travel agency. I have contacted them several times about what I want and it seems to be taking them a long time to find anything for me (despite telling them almost exactly what I want). So, I went into the office, and I just didn't get very good vibes from this lady. When I told her that I didn't want to spend $300-400 a night on hotels, she said, "Oh, so you want to go budget, then?" No, that isn't what I want at all. Isn't there a happy medium? That sort of offended me. Sure, I don't have to like my travel agent, but if she isn't really willing to work with me, or if I don't feel like she is on my side, then maybe that isn't good either.
Now, I think I should go back and book with the original lady for half of it, and then book the other half by myself with Expedia or something (although I was mad at Expedia for our last trip).
I had a fortune from a fortune cookie the other day that said, "Speak less about your plans and you will see more accomplished". So true. Less talky more booky. I just wish I could decide and get my butt in gear and book something already. I am just not sure what is holding me back....

proudly canadian opening ceremonies

2010-02-13T14:56:00.003-06:00

As we watched the opening ceremonies of the 2010 Olympics, I felt so proud. Proud to be Canadian. Proud to be part of such a wonderful event that will showcase how amazing our country really is. My favorite part was the poem written and performed by Shan koyzcan:

We Are More by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada
you might list some statistics
you might mention our tallest building
or biggest lakeyou might shake a tree in the fall
and call a red leaf Canada
you might rattle off some celebrities
might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie
might even mention the fact that we've got a few
Barenaked Ladies
or that we made these crazy things
like zippers
electric cars
and washing machines
when defining Canada
it seems the world's anthem has been
" been there done that"
and maybe that's where we used to be at
it's true
we've done and we've been
we've seen
all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine
and turned into theme parks
but when defining Canada
don't forget to mention that we have set sparks
we are not just fishing stories
about the one that got away
we do more than sit around and say "eh?"
and yes
we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One
who inspired little number nines
and little number ninety-nines
but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines
off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes
and some say what defines us
is something as simple as please and thank you
and as for you're welcome
well we say that too
but we are more
than genteel or civilized
we are an idea in the process
of being realized
we are young
we are cultures strung together
then woven into a tapestry
and the design
is what makes us more
than the sum total of our history
we are an experiment going right for a change
with influences that range from a to zed
and yes we say zed instead of zee
we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy
we dream so big that there are those
who would call our ambition an industry
because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow
we do more than grow wheat and brew beer
we are vineyards of good year after good year
we reforest what we clear
because we believe in generations beyond our own
knowing now that so many of us
have grown past what used to be
we can stand here today
filled with all the hope people have
when they say things like "someday"
someday we'll be great
someday we'll be this
or that
someday we'll be at a point
when someday was yesterday
and all of our aspirations will pay the way
for those who on that day
look towards tomorrow
and still they say someday
we will reach the goals we set
and we will get interest on our inspiration
because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks
more than backpacks and hiking trails
we are hammers and nails building bridges
towards those who are willing to walk across
we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss
we are not the see-through gloss or glamour
of those who clamour for the failings of others
we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers
uncles and nephews aunts and nieces
we are cousins
we are found missing puzzle pieces
we are families with room at the table for newcomers
we are more than summers and winters
more than on and off seasons
we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay
because we are more than what we say or do
we live to get past what we go through
and learn who we are
we are students
students who study the studiousness of studying
so we know what as well as why
we don't have all the answers
but we try
and the effort is what makes us more
we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for
so keep exploring
go far and wide
or go inside but go deep
go deep
as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss
and suddenly there was this location scout
trying to figure some way out
to get inside you
because you've been through hell and high water
and you went deep
keep exploring
because we are more
than a laundry list of things to do and places to see
we are more than hills to ski
or countryside ponds to skate
we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait
we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes
a country that is all the ways you choose to live
a land that can give you variety
because we are choices
we are millions upon millions of voices shouting
" keep exploring... we are more"
we are the surprise the world has in store for you
it's true
Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"
so don't say "been there done that"
unless you've sat on the sidewalk
while chalk artists draw still lifes
on the concrete of a kid in the street
beatboxing to Neil Young for fun
don't say you've been there done that
unless you've been here doing it
let this country be your first-aid kit
for all the times you get sick of the same old same old
let us be the story told to your friends
and when that story ends
leave chapters for the next time you'll come back
next time pack for all the things
you didn't pack for the first time
but don't let your luggage define your travels
each life unravels differently
and experiences are what make up
the colours of our tapestry
we are the true north
strong and free
and what's more
is that we didn't just say it
we made it be.
© Copyright (c) The Vancouver Sun

Sure, we may not win all the medals. We may not even win the most medals. I don't really think that is the point. The olympics are about coming together in a sense of comraderie for a purpose. It is like the "It's a small World" of sports. If we could take how we feel about coming together as a global community and tranfer that to every other facet of life, perhaps there would be no wars, no famine, no global strife.

Jamaica

2010-02-06T10:30:00.003-06:00

After a LONG delay of over 18 hours, we finally left the airport at 4am. We were all exhausted by the time we arrived, but the warm sunshine and beautiful surroundings woke us up enough that we could enjoy the rest of the day.

During the week, we took a bus to a place called, "Rick's Cafe". It was a huge area with a massive bar, a small pool and cliff diving. There was an area where tourists could jump off, too, although not as high as the real jumpers. Jurgen decided he would take his turn!! He had salt water up his sinuses for the next 3 days!! Despite this, he said it was worth it for the thrill and to get out of the heat for a bit.

From left to right, this is Jurgen, Gwynn, and Mike. Mike and his fiance were staying at a different resort, so we met up with them one night at Rick's cafe. It was nice to swap stories and all watch Jurgen dive!

From left to right, this is Melissa, Patricia, and me. The girls with the guys.

This is us at our resort the first couple fo days.

This is Gwynn and Tricia, the couple who came to our resort. I think they had as much fun as we did! I think we will have to make this a semi-annual event!

The swim-up bar in the main pool. We affectionately termed this the "pee pool" . Afterall, there were people who would sit there for what seemed like ALL DAY drinking, and you have to wonder just where all that beer goes?

The view from our room. We had paid for oceanview. I guess you can sort of see the ocean peaking through the trees way at the back there. Next time, maybe I won't bother with that. You really aren't in your room that much anyway.

This was our room and Jurgen relaxing after the long flight. Cute little room.

So, would I go back to Jamaica? Definately! Although, after experiencing credit card fraud (which was obviously an inside job as our cards had never left the safe the entire time), I don't know if I would go back to that resort. The other thing I learned is that one week just isn't long enough! We should always go for two. That way if you are stuck waiting to leave for 18 hours or so, it still doesn't matter, as you have tons of time to relax.

"An Act of God" to ruin the week

2010-01-24T16:12:00.003-06:00

I am still here in Regina. "An act of God" had kept us here. We haven't had a bad snow storm all year and suddenly, the day we are supposed to leave for Jamaica, all hell (and snow) breaks loose.
We were supposed to leave at 9am today. We left our house before 7 am to drive in and pick up our friends. We had to drive 55km on the highway all the way into Regina. Then when we got there, the ticket counter was backed up, and they told us there was a "mechanical problem" with the plane and we were being delayed. They told us at that point that it wouldn't leave until 12. What we didn't know at that time, was that that was bullshit and the plane wasn't even there yet.
We decided to leave, and went and had breakfast at Smitty's. Then came back for our flight after hanging out at the in-laws for a bit. Then, we went back and sat around for an hour and a half. No one told us anything, no one gave us updates. We looked on the Departure Board and now it says 4pm!
Finally, at 2pm they finally told us that now we have a plane and they think they can land in this awful weather, but they don't have a crew. We won't have a crew for another 8 hours. So, we are able to pick up our luggage and go home for 8 hours. Then they tell us to keep checking the website because it might not be then either. Well, I just checked and it now says 2am. What crap.
I am wishing two things now. First, that we would have booked two weeks (then a delay of a day or two wouldn't be a big deal), but we didn't. Now, I am almost wishing they would just cancel the whole thing because at least then maybe I would get my money back.
Jurgen says to me, "See, this is why I don't like to travel". Again, what crap. We have never been delayed or cancelled before, and we have travelled a fair amount. A lot of people have these stories, so it is not just us.
I am frustrated and disappointed but there is nothing we can do. The really upsetting part is that this was not a cheap vacation AT ALL and wasting a day seems like wasting a whole lot of money. Not to mention we convinced another couple to come with us and now they are wasting this money and time too. Sigh. Again, there is nothing we can do.
Well, maybe we will still be able to go for a little while, maybe not. Only time will tell....

Jamaica, Man!

2010-01-18T20:31:00.003-06:00

We leave for Jamaica in 5 short days. I can't wait! Sometimes you just get to the point when you need a VACATION, and this is it! It will be so nice to just sit and do NOTHING for awhile. Get some sun (Lord knows I need it), sip some pina coladas, go swimming, read a book or two, see some fishies. Aaaahhh, hot trips. How I love them. I do wish we were going for 2 weeks instead of 1, but honestly when I was booking it it just never occured to me. We have never gone for longer than 1 week before (OK there was that one time in Cuba we went for 2 weeks, but that was different). So, I just booked one. Unfortunately, my hubby had wanted to go for 2 weeks, but it was REALLY hard to change, so we are just going for one. Besides, that way we can save some money for Greece (which I have just gotten the green light for!!!!!!!!). But, I digress.
Jamaica will be relaxing and wonderful and warm and I am SO looking forward to it!!

remembering 2009

2010-01-01T12:31:00.003-06:00

It is Jan. 1 and I feel drawn to blog about what I really liked and will be memorable about 2009.

Moving into our new house. When we bought the condo in Regina I always felt like it was Jurgen's house. Afterall, he lived there by hisself for two years before I got there. It was full of his decor and his furniture. Kind of like moving into your boyfriend's apartment - not really yours. I also had started to get the "baby ache" and thought that condo was way to small to raise kids in (although I was raised in house just a little bigger than that). So, we started looking for a new house. I am so happy with our house in White City. Sure, there have been a few problems (see my previous blog), but hopefully they will all soon be fixed. It is a beautiful spacious house in a peaceful neighborhood with a fantastic view. It is full of OUR decor and OUR furniture, and I can see us filling up the rooms with children and laughter. I love our new house.

Jennie's wedding. Everything from the shower in September, to the wedding on Thanksgiving, to the reception in Moose Jaw, it was all so fun! It was great to meet the people who are now such an important part of my best friend's life. Wonderful to get to know some of Jen's extended family (like Shawn, Eddie's parents, his brother, his sister). And truly great to get to better know the man who has stolen her heart.

Finishing my first year as a staff Anesthesiologist. Writing my board exams was a "right of passage", an awful thing that everyone must do in order to finally do what they have been trained for 9 years to do. It took everything in my soul everyday for a year just to put one foot in front of the other in order to get to the "big day" and sit in those little rooms until the end. Then, it was over and I had passed, and the world seemed so much brighter and better somehow. It was like the beginning of a new life. Now, that I have finished over an entire year of work, I realize something. I didn't pass because of luck, or even that I had studied so hard. No, I passed because I was meant to. Because I am good at my job. It really says something when the nurses who you work with everyday trust you enough to put them to sleep, enough to thank you with gifts and words of kindness afterwards. It says something when the nurses are happy that you are the one oncall with them - not because you are friendly to everyone, but because they are confident in your work. I am truly happy with my work here in Regina.

Watching my Dad progress. Last March my father had open heart surgery. He had a rough go of it afterwards with several complications including what could have been a devastating stroke. But he is tough. If life has taught me anything, it is that any toughness and perserverance I may have is because of my father. He taught me to never give up and to keep putting on foot in front of the other, even if it is with a walker at first. I watched him progress from struggling to speak and being unable to walk, to now joking and laughing like his old self and walking up stairs like he had never been bothered by them. Life may not be fair, and sometimes bad things happen to truly good people, but you have to be thankful for what you have. And, I am thankful my dad got a second chance.

All of these things helped me grow as a person this year. I can only hope that the next year will help me to grow even more.

Random occurences before year's end

2009-12-30T19:43:00.005-06:00

A quick update of random occurences:

We had a good Christmas. Only cooked for 7, but had enough food for 15, typical me. Everything turned out yummy and on time. I bought my hubby a snowblower (really a gift for both of us, so I don't have to shovel), and he bought me jewelery. We had a funny video, and then played some Wii. It was good. Then, back to work after Jennie's wedding reception and a well deserved day off.

Then, I had something very interesting happen. I had a patient who ended up being diagnosed with epiglottitis! Previously, a life threatening childhood problem that has become almost extinct due to vaccinations, now becoming more common in the adult population. That was what this was, an adult coming for something totally unrelated! In the end, very interesting, and he ended ulp doing well.

And, we are dealing with our house again. First, it was the shower. Long story short, they had tiled over wood instead of cement or cement board, and it was rotting, and they had to rip the whole shower apart and redo the tiling (which took 8 weeks). Now, we are dealing with water damage. We have only been in our house since April, and thus we have not been in it when it was really cold before (nor had anyone else for that matter). So, in our bathroom (again) there is a spot that is REALLY cold on the ceiling in comparison with the rest and it is causing water condensation and has created a stain on the ceiling and is causing the stipling to come off. The other area is in the basement. We had told them about this when we first got in the house, and the builders brushed it off as them putting in the tiling in the basement before other stuff was finished and a little leak caused the stain on the tiling. So, they changed the tile in hopes that it wouldn't be a problem (I call bullshit). Well, the new tile is now stained too. Thus, water damage and a leak from somewhere (which is what we were trying to tell them in the first place). Talk about shoddy workmanship! Now, they are telling us that because the house has been standing here complete without anyone in it for over a year, that we do not have any warranty (which was one of the requirements we had when we bought the house). We wouldn't have found any of the bathroom stuff until it had been used! What crap! Well, if they don't fix it, rest assured that we will be raising quite the stink! Not to mention not building with them again, and there aren't that many builders in Regina, and we would make sure to let EVERYONE we know in Regina know about them. Trust me, Regina is small and word gets out. So, wish me luck on this account anyway.

Finally, we are on call tomorrow night for New Year's. I get to spend the night giving anesthetics to people who are unfortunate enough to require surgery that night. Well, at least I get to spend it with my husband. I will just run over to the next operating room at midnight and give him a New Year's kiss! What romance! Ah well, taking one for the team, I always say!
So, everyone, wish me luck, and have a great New Year's!!

When stuff is just stuff, but isn't

2009-12-20T09:03:00.002-06:00

I lost my wedding ring. I remember having it at work, and at one point taking it off to put on hand cream. Then, when i went to find it yesturday, I couldn't find it. Did I leave it at work? Will someone have found it and turned it in, or just have taken it.
My husband was so good about it when I told him about it. He was clearly upset, but saw that I was CLEARLY upset (i. e. crying and such), and did not make a big deal about it. "It is just 'stuff'", he said, "We can replace it". And, he was right. But, it was sentimental to us both. He told me later that he remembers the exact moment when he put the engagement ring on my finger on Hornby Island after asking me to marry him. He remembers me walking down the aisle on our wedding day. He remembers putting the wedding band on my hand to signify that we were joined as one. I have these memories too. Funny that "stuff" can end up meaning so much just because of what it signifies.
I tore our house apart thinking that there was NO WAY I could have left it at work! I had to have brought it home! Didn't I have it last night? Then why couldn't I find it now? I even looked in weird places for it, but to no avail.
I had finally given up, and was doing laundry. I was doing a load of whites and heard something rattling around in the bottom of the washer. What could possibly be in there? I wasn't doing jeans or something so there shouldn't be change (which I have also washed). And there it was! Lying at the bottom of the washer gleamingly clean, like the day I got it!!
I was so relieved! Not that we don't have insurance, we do. Not that we couldn't afford to buy another one, we can. Not that we wouldn't replace it, we would. But for what it MEANS. For the memories behind it. For the love we still share today and what the two rings on my finger (saudered together, so I lost both) signify to everyone who sees it - we are one.
I guess now I get the whole Christmas present thing. Sure, it stems from the tradition of baby Jesus getting gifts from the Wisemen (so they say). And, sure it is just "stuff". But, we buy the things we do for the people we do because of what they mean to us. If we can signify this in some way by getting them some little symbol (instead of gold frankinsense, and mur it is gold, an Xbox, and clothes), we think they will know just how much they mean to us. Maybe we should just tell them how much they mean to us? But memory is fleeting and sometimes the "stuff" is a reminder.

Busy sidewalks

2009-12-16T20:19:00.002-06:00

Stumbling around in a sleepless, tired haze, I somehow managed to almost finish my Christmas shopping today. I have to admit, though, that I am a very LAZY shopper. I prefer gift cards to the real thing. Then, people can get what they want and I don't have to worry about them taking it back, and they don't have to worry about hurting my feelings if they want to take it back. For those I didn't by gift cards for, I would buy things that I liked and could see myself wanting. That is always the best gift, isn't it? If you think it is nice and would want it, why wouldn't someone else?
Then, I managed to drive back home, put this all away, and make baby back ribs and cheesy potatoes in the oven so my husband could come home to a fully cooked meal. God! Does that sound "Betty Crocker"?! I am not really so domestic, but I do like to cook.
All this with only about 4 hours of sleep! I was on Labour and Delivery last night. The sad thing is that I was BORED from 4pm until 11pm. Then, as per usual, all the babies were born after midnight. I may have had some energy today, but I definately didn't look it. At rounds first thing this am, people kept asking me if I had had "a rough night", and then at Costco, I ran into one of the nurses and she asked if I worked nights last night. Apparently, like my emotions, I am not so good at hiding my fatigue.
But December is always like that, isn't it. So busy busy. Parties, and working, and family and shopping, and decorating, and donating, and planning, and shopping, and parties, and working, and family...... As one of my friends put in on Facebook, "Fack, I need a day off!" I guess it is one of the reasons I am not such a fan of Christmas. It is really busy for not really that much pay off. My fav Christmas was the time my family all went to Cuba. No presents, no tree, no worries. But, we can't do that every year. And, now that it is up, my tree and decorations do look nice, so I guess it is OK.
One thing I do love about Christmas, though, is the music. I LOVE Chirstmas carols. My absolute fav is "The Chestnut Song" that and "O Holy Night". Everyone has a favorite, and I always find it interesting exactly which one it is.
So...... What is yours?

Beige and Colour People

2009-12-04T20:24:00.003-06:00

I spent the day today with one of my longest (Iprefer this term to "oldest") friends. We talked about a lot of different things (cats and dogs, babies, relationships, scripts, etc.), but one thing we talked about at great length (and she herself has blogged about) was what she calls, "beige vs. colour people".
"Colour People" are those types of people who are expressive, boisterous, and loud. They talk with their hands and are animated. They sometimes do crazy things, like randomly burst into song, or dance. When they are around people, they leave the time spent with them feeling energized.
"Beige People" are the complete opposite. They are introverted and prefer alone time. They are quiet, subdued, and proper. They would NEVER burst into song, and may even be horrified if someone they were with did do. When they are around people, they leave the time spent with them feeling drained.
As much as there are some people who are TRUE Colour People or TRUE Beige People, I believe we are all a mix. Take me for example. My friend and her husband tell me that I am "one of them", a Colour Person. And I am. I do randomly burst into song or dance. I am sometimes loud, and always opinionated. I talk with my hands, and am very expressive (it is often hard for me to hide what I am truly feeling on my face). But, I work in a world where one needs to be beige, and so I do that too. I can have a meaningful discussion about Quality Insurance and patient safety. I can put my head down and work quietly. In another life, I am sure I would be pure colour, but there would always be the little Beige Person inside.
On the other hand, there are people whom I call "Closet Colours". They are the Beige People who have a little Colour Person in them who is screaming (or singing or cheering madly) to get out! They are the Rider fans who put a watermelon on their head and paint themselves head to toe in green, and then go back to their accounting jobs the next day. They are the people at parties who suddenly become so fun, a side of them you never see.
As I said today to my friend (although about a different topic), there needs to be balance. It is OK to be a Colour Person. It is OK to shout out, sing, and have fun! Be crazy once in awhile, take a tapdancing class, or a bellydancing class, or do a strip tease for your husband! Come on Closet Colours, you are in there somewhere and we know you can do it!!!
But, it is also OK to be a Beige Person. One needs quiet moments of reflection and time to work hard. It is OK to be alone and appreciate just yourself (plus or minus a cat or two) for a bit.
Remember, balance is the spice of life.

In Saskatchewan

2009-11-22T17:39:00.003-06:00

In Saskatchewan, we have huge skies.
We can see from horizon to horizon.
In Saskatchewan, we have four seasons.
From hot like the desert to cold like the Arctic.
In Saskatchewan, we relish the summer.
It is short, but it is so sweet.

In Saskatchewan, there is a sea of green.
We proudly support our teams.
In Saskatchewan, there is no band wagon.
We are loyal through and through.
In Saskatchewan, there is football.
Not just a game, but a way of life.

In Saskatchewan, we are family.
We are small and know a lot of each other.
In Saskatchewan, there is love.
Love of our province, and our people.
In Saskatchewan, there is support.
No matter who needs it, it will be there.

In Saskatchewan, we have many farms.
We feed all the world.
In Saskatchewan, we are proud.
Tough times has made us so.
In Saskatchewan, we don't shy from work.
Hard work had made us who we are.

We are few, but we are proud.
Proud and strong.
God bless Saskatchewan!

wasted resources

2009-11-18T15:06:00.003-06:00

I find some people really frustrating. Health care is "free" in Canada (i.e. taxpayers pay for it) and universal. That being said, there are a few individuals who seem to use up a lot of our resources, and it just doesn't seem fair.
When someone comes in who obviously doesn't care about their own health, why should I care? I still do, don't get me wrong. I always care. I always treat everyone the same way and give good care, whether I truly think they deserve it or not.
It does, however, say something about our society when we are willing to spend thousands of health care dollars on IV drug users and their screwed up kids. Not to mention other scarce resources like blood products, or putting the health care workers at risk.
True, I only see the end product, not how they got to that place. Some would say we should be doing more for this population. We should be helping them befoe they get to this point. I agree, but again, I only see the end result. I only hear the lies about not doing drugs when there are fresh track marks on their arms. I only feel frustrated when it is almost impossible to get an IV because they have abused their veins so bad that there is just none left. Getting puked on, getting sworn at, and potentially having my life at risk if I poke myself with a dirty needle, all of this makes me angry.
Maybe this is the extreme. But are other types of people any better? How about the smoker who needs to have several thoracotomies because they now have cancer? Or the obese patient who needs a joint replacement? Or the drinker who has liver failure and the umteen complications with that? All of this makes me realize why universal health care is not so popular in the United States. Why should someone who is healthy and takes care of themselves (eating well, excercising, not smoking) pay for someone who seems to just not give a shit?
I feel like yelling! I feel like shaking those people! You almost died! Doesn't that count for anything?!
And, in the end they will continue to use, continue to smoke, continue to abuse their bodies, and I am left to clean up the mess.

unhappy news

2009-11-12T20:56:00.002-06:00

I feel sorry.
Sorry about what happened.
Sorry you struggle so much.
Sorry I can't help more.

I feel sad.
Sad that you are hurting.
Sad you feel you have no one to tell.
Sad you are so far away.

I feel angry.
Angry that you never listen.
Angry that this keeps happening.
Angry that someone would do this to you.

I know that you, too feel this.
I can only try to feel hope.
Hope that it will work out.
Hope you will be happy.
Hope to see you soon.

curling and age

2009-11-07T11:15:00.003-06:00

We went to the OR Christmas Party last night. Usually we go glow bowling, but this year they wanted to do something different. So, they decided to go curling. OK, I have to admit I had some preconcieved notions about curling. It is not very exciting to watch on TV, and it seemed like a lot of older (sometimes overweight) people curled. How hard could it be? For that matter, how fun could it be?
Despite this, my husband and I decided to go and give it a try. He curled for a season or two in Med school, but hasn't been on the ice in years. At least he sort of knew what he was doing, I didn't have a clue! But really, that made it fun! I had no idea, but people were willing to teach me. And, we weren't really playing competitively, it was just for fun. We were all laughing at my lack of skills and totally ineptitude, as well as everyone else's. Most people had said that the last time they had curled was in high school. Did I miss that day? I really don't remember EVER going curling. In the end, it didn't matter. There were a few people who could really play, but the rest of us were just there to have fun.
We ended the night sitting around having a couple of drinks and chatting. There were some spouses of people who work in the OR who were there whom I had never met before. One of the spouses was on the opposite team to us, but really took me under his wing and was coaching me on how to play the game. My husband was talking to him after, making small talk. You know, asking him what he did, telling him what he did....
Then the man asked what I did, and my hubby told him that we did the same thing. He was so shocked. "You're an Anesthesiologist too?!" he exclaimed. It was like he just couldn't believe that this idot he had been teaching to curl could possibly be a physician, let alone an anesthesiologist! I just laughed. I think he thought I was about 22, and that my hubby was way older (and smarter, and mature).
I don't mind that people are amazed that I am a doctor, that they think I am too young. I worry (like everyone does, I am sure) about the wrinkles, and soft bits, and grey hair. To have someone be so surprised like that makes me feel good, like I shouldn't worry so much. I always say, when I stop hearing that, then I will be sad! So for now, they can be shocked that I look so young, my soul is still old.

Tolerant?

2009-11-01T19:39:00.003-06:00

My husband came home today and told me a very disturbing story. He was leaving the mall and saw a parked car. He wasn't sure what made him look closer, but he did. Inside, was a lady sitting by herself in the back seat covered head-to-toe in a burka. She was obviously waiting for her husband to come back from the mall.

In Canada we pride ourselves on being a tolerant nation. You can come here, be from anywhere, and that is OK. We are all immigrants, afterall (well, except first nations people). You can be any colour, have any religion, and that is all OK. But, is it really?

Is it really OK to allow oppression to happen? Is it really OK for a wife to have no rights? To be left alone to sit in the back seat of a car, like a dog? And, what about the burka? Sure, I understand that some women say they don't want men eyeing them, and this is the way to ensure that, but head to toe?? And, if in their country a women decides to not be totally covered and she is raped, the men say it was because she wasn't covered, and she was asking for it. RIDICULOUS!

I believe in being tolerant. I believe in different races, and religions. But, I also believe in equality for men and women. I believe a marriage is a partnership, a team, not one person coming before another.

I may not be able to change any of this, but at least I can be happy in the knowledge that I truly have a partnership. My husband would never do that to me. He knows better!

vaccine and humor

2009-10-28T20:16:00.004-06:00

I got the H1N1 vaccine today. With all the hype and worry, not to mention potential danger to myself and my patients, I thought it would be a good idea if I was vaccinated. As I got it first thing at work, before my day started, they allowed me to "budge" in front and get the shot. All the nurses in the OR were in the line behind me watching as I got it.

It is so funny how we use humor to cope with stressful situations. We were all laughing, saying how we needed someone to hold our hand because we might cry, joking that we would take all the chocolates so there would be none for anyone else. Then, as soon as it was done someone said, "oh, she looks pale!", followed immediately by, "She's always pale!" and more laughter.

I find this is always the way in medicine. With anything stressful or scary we often use humor to cope. Most the time it is black humor. And sometimes it is so dark that it might even be offensive to people not in the medical profession or in that situation. Sometimes with a group of people in the medical field we can get to talking about "funny situations" that no one else gets but us. We are geeks, if nothing else.

Anyway, as much as we used humor to get through "the little prick", now my arm is hurting, and my head has felt foggy all day. I would like to blame the shot on the fogginess (if that is a word), but who really knows? Maybe it is the cold I had last week. Maybe it is just being tired. In the end, hopefully it will all be worth it and I will have protected myself and my patients.

bad dream

2009-10-25T16:29:00.002-06:00

I had a horrible dream last night. It was so weird, and so sad. I dreamt that for some reason I had to euthanize my two cats.
Now, you have to understand just how important these cats are to me. They are my family, my friends, my babies.
In this dream I knew this had to be done, but I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help it either. I was the one to euthanize them. I watched them die. It was awful.
I woke up not just sad, but absolutely sobbing. I was horrified with what we had done, riddled with guilt, and totally devastated by the outcome.
Why would I dream something so awful? What could my subconscious possibly be trying to tell me? I need to be better to my kitties? I don't think so. There are very few cats who are as spoiled and well taken care of as them!
My husband thinks I am too attached to them. Well, I don't have other little things (like kids) to love, so why not?
In the end, it was a stupid dream that most likely means absolutely nothing. It is too bad that it had to affect me so much.

Real Stress?

2009-09-30T19:20:00.002-06:00

I am stressed. But, not about "real" things. When I was a resident, I worried all the time about how I was doing. Was I learning enough? Did people think I was smart? Was I going to be good at my job? Can I really do this? What if I don't know enough? What if someone dies because of me? Etc..... Then, there was always the stress of the exam. Would I be able to pass it? Again, what if I don't know enough? What would people think if I didn't pass? Oh, the humiliation!
The time came for my evaluations, and the exam. I passed. I did know enough. I was not humiliated. Then, I worried about starting work: Would I know enough? Can I really do this? What if someone dies because of me? I started work. I do know enough (although there is always more to learn), and I can really do this.
So, now what am I stressed about? Well, in chronilogical order: Apparently I am not such a cook. This week I have tried to go outside my comfort zone and make some new items. Unfortunately, they didn't really work the way I wanted them too. What will I make for supper tommorrow? Why does nothing ever work out? How can I get my hubby to take a turn at cooking?
Kids. Should we have them? Do I want them? Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I can make the commitment. I see my friend's little 6 month old and marvel at how cute he is! Look at his clothes, his smile, his chubby face. But I worry. Would I be a good parent? Would I even like kids? What about the couple time? What about my life? Would kids fit into my life? Can I even have them? Maybe I waited too long. And if I do want them, how do I get my husband to be convinced that this is what he wants to?
Then, My girlfriend is getting married and I am giving a speech. I have put it off, but I can no longer. Time is running out, and I still haven't completed it. Sure, I have some ideas, but it isn't solid. So, I think: What if it isn't good enough? What if people laugh? Or don't? What if my friend hates it?
Finally, I am planning a miniconference for the anesthesiologists of Saskatchewan. It is only one day, and yet I feel like I have hours and hours and hours of work to do for it. I feel, again, like time is running out. What if I don't get enough money? What do I do about the residents? What if the day sucks? What if the food sucks? What if the entertainment sucks? How do I get the day accredited? What if I can't get it accredited?
So, are these really things to be stressed about? Or, am I one of those people who always has to have something to be worried/stressed about? Sure, maybe the last one is stressful, but the first? And the middle ones, I am not so sure.
Now, I am just stressed about worrying. Geesh.

closing up

2009-09-27T18:58:00.002-06:00

This weekend was all about closing up the lake. This time of year always makes me sad. We make so many memories, and have so much fun at the lake. Then, when it finally turns cold we have to bring everything in and lock up for the season. Another chapter in the book of life, over.

We worked hard the last two days. Luckily, we decided to do all the "in the water" stuff yesturday when it was still nice out. We took in the Seadoo, took in the boat, and brought the dock in. By the time we got home, the weather had already started to turn. First the wind almost blowing the cover right off the boat as we attempted to tie it down, then the rain and cold. Today was really cold. 10 degrees and windy. Jurgen's Dad came out to help us, so we were able to get everything else done. The cabin is completely closed up for the season.

Autumn is my favorite time of year out at the lake. It is so pretty with all of the leaves turning colour. Usually we don't totally close up until October sometime, but we have other things we need to do, so we decided to close up early.

Someday maybe we will build a new cabin. One that is insulated so we could use it a bit longer. If we had a fireplace in the house we could light it and maybe go cross country skiing, or get a snowmobile and go sledding, or just come out where it is quiet. It would be less work to close things up then, and maybe then it wouldn't feel quite so sad. It wouldn't really be closed up then, just the water stuff would be away. Well, one can dream anyway.

I guess you always have to have something to look forward to. I always look forward to the summer and being at the lake. So, here is to next year. I am looking forward to it already!

First day memories

2009-09-01T09:34:00.002-06:00

I have been working here in Regina as an anesthesiologist for over a year now. I think about my first day with fondness today, as a colleague has his first day here. In fact, he was a resident here in Regina and came into my room to work that day. I thought it was an "ambitious day" and didn't expect to be finished on time. I was right, we weren't, but it was still a good day. I learned so much about myself that day. About my abilities to teach, work effiiciently, and the best part, that I could truly do my job well without help (residents don't count, and he was only there for part of the day).
Now, it is his turn to experience that. The unknown is always scary, but I am certain this guy will do amazing. He is SMART! I have been trying to give him hints along the way that would make his transition easier, so I hope they help.
I always feel a sense of pride when my friends from medical school, and residency begin to work, especially in the same place as me! So long ago we were all bright-eyed, scared students sitting in the classroom as the professor told us all how OLD we would be when we finally finished medical school! I remember wondering what my life would be like when that moment finally came, and not quite being able to picture it. Man, was I scared. And then, 9 years later when I had my first day as a staff I was scared again. Excited, but scared. More worried, I guess than scared. Worried that I wouldn't know what to do. Luckily, my training and knowledge kicked in right away, and I really didn't need to worry.
So, here is to the new member of our department! Cheers! I hope you love your job as much as I do!

difficut to read

2009-08-06T13:10:00.003-06:00

I really hate it when I can't read people properly. Was that an insult? Or, were they just joking? When I first met my now hubby, I hated him. Mostly, it was just that - I couldn't tell if he was joking or not. I mean, he doesn't even know me, so how can he be insulting me and making fun of me? Then I realized that that is a lot of what he does. Now I get it. Now I love him. I have been with him for 13 years, I should get it, but this isn't about him.

I worked with someone yesturday who I just met. I don't know him from a hole in the ground. For all I know, he could be a really amazing, funny, nice guy, but he could just as easily be an asshole. And, I couldn't read him. Apparently, I am not the only one. When I asked around, people would either tell me that they didn't like him, or that they couldn't read him. Not really a glowing recommendation. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am not sure.

I am still new and so don't really feel I can tell people (surgeons) where to go if they piss me off. Also, that is just not my style. I am much more likely to grimace, and vent about it later (my poor hubby usually bears this burden). And so, when he started telling me what to do, I just put my head down and did it. I don't like conflict, and frankly, I didn't really care.

However, at the end of the day, after a 6 hour case (ugh!) he says to me, " You are lucky you have a job.". WTF! What does that mean? Was that a joke? Was he referring, maybe to the economic downturn and that we are all lucky to have a job? Was he referring to the fact that he lost his job and now had to come to poor old Regina to do some remdial time, and I was lucky I didn't have to do that? Or was he just being an asshole (especially because it wasn't a bad case).

At first I wasn't sure what I had heard. Then, I was too shocked to say anything, or even ask him what he meant. Again, I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, but...... In the end, I was mad, and still am. Most of the surgeons here like me. They know that when I am there, I like to work. I work hard. And I really try to do what is best for the team (including the surgeon and most importatnly, the patient).

I guess it doesn't really matter, as this guy isn't going to be here long. However, next time you can bet, I won't just vent afterwards.

evil weather

2009-08-03T10:29:00.002-06:00

It seems like the weather is conspiring against me. Everytime I am working it is really nice. Take yesturday, for example. So lovely. So hot. And yet, I could not go to the lake because I was on call. Now that I am off for today it is cold and cloudy. And not just a little cold (say like 19 degrees), but downright chilly.
I am sure this will not help my hubbys state of mind. At the beginning of the summer when he was still really worried about having a mortgage and all that, he was talking of maybe selling the lake property. He kept saying that we are never there and that if we sold it we would not have a mortgage anymore. So this yucky weather sure does not help that.
It seems like the only time there was really nice hot weather at the lake was while we were away in BC, and not there to use it. Typical.
Well, what can one do besides wish that summer will last well into October and that we are still in for some really HOT weather. Yeah right.

July Jasper to Hornby

2009-07-31T13:43:00.003-06:00

This is from the top of one of the mountains in Tofino, which was our last destination.

This is the same mountain, just a different view.

This is a shot from Athabasaca Falls in Jasper. It was amazing how the water carved right through the stone.

We took the Jasper Tramm (like a gondola) and then hiked to the top of the mountain. I am afraid of heights, so I was very proud of myself for doing this. The view was worth it, though.

Thi is the view from the top of the tramm.

We saw so muchwild life while we were in Jasper. There was a family of Elk who visited our hotel (Fairmont Jasper) every day. This is a baby elk (fawn) who we saw one day.

On the way back from the hot springs we saw a mama bear and three of her cubs. she was digging for something in the dirt. Whatever it was, they sure loved it.

This is the little baby bear cub we saw.

This is on the beach in Tofino. I kept wondering, "does it ever get warm here?"

Canada Day

2009-07-01T21:09:00.004-06:00

Happy Canada Day! This is the day that we all reflect on this beautiful country of ours. We can all be happy that this is the place that we call home. A large and bountiful land where promise and hope abounds, people are tolerant of one another, and beauty can be seen on every corner. Thank goodness we are Canadians living in this country of peace, prosperity, and happiness!
Today we enjoyed the festivities in Wascana park (along with 40,000 others), and tomorrow off to the lake to enjoy more of the fine weather. I just love the summer! Then, to BC for a bit to visit the coast. Why would we go anywhere else in the summer when Canada is SO beautiful?
Lovely.