curling and age

We went to the OR Christmas Party last night. Usually we go glow bowling, but this year they wanted to do something different. So, they decided to go curling. OK, I have to admit I had some preconcieved notions about curling. It is not very exciting to watch on TV, and it seemed like a lot of older (sometimes overweight) people curled. How hard could it be? For that matter, how fun could it be?
Despite this, my husband and I decided to go and give it a try. He curled for a season or two in Med school, but hasn't been on the ice in years. At least he sort of knew what he was doing, I didn't have a clue! But really, that made it fun! I had no idea, but people were willing to teach me. And, we weren't really playing competitively, it was just for fun. We were all laughing at my lack of skills and totally ineptitude, as well as everyone else's. Most people had said that the last time they had curled was in high school. Did I miss that day? I really don't remember EVER going curling. In the end, it didn't matter. There were a few people who could really play, but the rest of us were just there to have fun.
We ended the night sitting around having a couple of drinks and chatting. There were some spouses of people who work in the OR who were there whom I had never met before. One of the spouses was on the opposite team to us, but really took me under his wing and was coaching me on how to play the game. My husband was talking to him after, making small talk. You know, asking him what he did, telling him what he did....
Then the man asked what I did, and my hubby told him that we did the same thing. He was so shocked. "You're an Anesthesiologist too?!" he exclaimed. It was like he just couldn't believe that this idot he had been teaching to curl could possibly be a physician, let alone an anesthesiologist! I just laughed. I think he thought I was about 22, and that my hubby was way older (and smarter, and mature).
I don't mind that people are amazed that I am a doctor, that they think I am too young. I worry (like everyone does, I am sure) about the wrinkles, and soft bits, and grey hair. To have someone be so surprised like that makes me feel good, like I shouldn't worry so much. I always say, when I stop hearing that, then I will be sad! So for now, they can be shocked that I look so young, my soul is still old.

Tolerant?

My husband came home today and told me a very disturbing story. He was leaving the mall and saw a parked car. He wasn't sure what made him look closer, but he did. Inside, was a lady sitting by herself in the back seat covered head-to-toe in a burka. She was obviously waiting for her husband to come back from the mall.

In Canada we pride ourselves on being a tolerant nation. You can come here, be from anywhere, and that is OK. We are all immigrants, afterall (well, except first nations people). You can be any colour, have any religion, and that is all OK. But, is it really?

Is it really OK to allow oppression to happen? Is it really OK for a wife to have no rights? To be left alone to sit in the back seat of a car, like a dog? And, what about the burka? Sure, I understand that some women say they don't want men eyeing them, and this is the way to ensure that, but head to toe?? And, if in their country a women decides to not be totally covered and she is raped, the men say it was because she wasn't covered, and she was asking for it. RIDICULOUS!

I believe in being tolerant. I believe in different races, and religions. But, I also believe in equality for men and women. I believe a marriage is a partnership, a team, not one person coming before another.

I may not be able to change any of this, but at least I can be happy in the knowledge that I truly have a partnership. My husband would never do that to me. He knows better!

vaccine and humor

I got the H1N1 vaccine today. With all the hype and worry, not to mention potential danger to myself and my patients, I thought it would be a good idea if I was vaccinated. As I got it first thing at work, before my day started, they allowed me to "budge" in front and get the shot. All the nurses in the OR were in the line behind me watching as I got it.

It is so funny how we use humor to cope with stressful situations. We were all laughing, saying how we needed someone to hold our hand because we might cry, joking that we would take all the chocolates so there would be none for anyone else. Then, as soon as it was done someone said, "oh, she looks pale!", followed immediately by, "She's always pale!" and more laughter.

I find this is always the way in medicine. With anything stressful or scary we often use humor to cope. Most the time it is black humor. And sometimes it is so dark that it might even be offensive to people not in the medical profession or in that situation. Sometimes with a group of people in the medical field we can get to talking about "funny situations" that no one else gets but us. We are geeks, if nothing else.

Anyway, as much as we used humor to get through "the little prick", now my arm is hurting, and my head has felt foggy all day. I would like to blame the shot on the fogginess (if that is a word), but who really knows? Maybe it is the cold I had last week. Maybe it is just being tired. In the end, hopefully it will all be worth it and I will have protected myself and my patients.

bad dream

I had a horrible dream last night. It was so weird, and so sad. I dreamt that for some reason I had to euthanize my two cats.
Now, you have to understand just how important these cats are to me. They are my family, my friends, my babies.
In this dream I knew this had to be done, but I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help it either. I was the one to euthanize them. I watched them die. It was awful.
I woke up not just sad, but absolutely sobbing. I was horrified with what we had done, riddled with guilt, and totally devastated by the outcome.
Why would I dream something so awful? What could my subconscious possibly be trying to tell me? I need to be better to my kitties? I don't think so. There are very few cats who are as spoiled and well taken care of as them!
My husband thinks I am too attached to them. Well, I don't have other little things (like kids) to love, so why not?
In the end, it was a stupid dream that most likely means absolutely nothing. It is too bad that it had to affect me so much.

Real Stress?

I am stressed. But, not about "real" things. When I was a resident, I worried all the time about how I was doing. Was I learning enough? Did people think I was smart? Was I going to be good at my job? Can I really do this? What if I don't know enough? What if someone dies because of me? Etc..... Then, there was always the stress of the exam. Would I be able to pass it? Again, what if I don't know enough? What would people think if I didn't pass? Oh, the humiliation!
The time came for my evaluations, and the exam. I passed. I did know enough. I was not humiliated. Then, I worried about starting work: Would I know enough? Can I really do this? What if someone dies because of me? I started work. I do know enough (although there is always more to learn), and I can really do this.
So, now what am I stressed about? Well, in chronilogical order: Apparently I am not such a cook. This week I have tried to go outside my comfort zone and make some new items. Unfortunately, they didn't really work the way I wanted them too. What will I make for supper tommorrow? Why does nothing ever work out? How can I get my hubby to take a turn at cooking?
Kids. Should we have them? Do I want them? Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I can make the commitment. I see my friend's little 6 month old and marvel at how cute he is! Look at his clothes, his smile, his chubby face. But I worry. Would I be a good parent? Would I even like kids? What about the couple time? What about my life? Would kids fit into my life? Can I even have them? Maybe I waited too long. And if I do want them, how do I get my husband to be convinced that this is what he wants to?
Then, My girlfriend is getting married and I am giving a speech. I have put it off, but I can no longer. Time is running out, and I still haven't completed it. Sure, I have some ideas, but it isn't solid. So, I think: What if it isn't good enough? What if people laugh? Or don't? What if my friend hates it?
Finally, I am planning a miniconference for the anesthesiologists of Saskatchewan. It is only one day, and yet I feel like I have hours and hours and hours of work to do for it. I feel, again, like time is running out. What if I don't get enough money? What do I do about the residents? What if the day sucks? What if the food sucks? What if the entertainment sucks? How do I get the day accredited? What if I can't get it accredited?
So, are these really things to be stressed about? Or, am I one of those people who always has to have something to be worried/stressed about? Sure, maybe the last one is stressful, but the first? And the middle ones, I am not so sure.
Now, I am just stressed about worrying. Geesh.

closing up

This weekend was all about closing up the lake. This time of year always makes me sad. We make so many memories, and have so much fun at the lake. Then, when it finally turns cold we have to bring everything in and lock up for the season. Another chapter in the book of life, over.

We worked hard the last two days. Luckily, we decided to do all the "in the water" stuff yesturday when it was still nice out. We took in the Seadoo, took in the boat, and brought the dock in. By the time we got home, the weather had already started to turn. First the wind almost blowing the cover right off the boat as we attempted to tie it down, then the rain and cold. Today was really cold. 10 degrees and windy. Jurgen's Dad came out to help us, so we were able to get everything else done. The cabin is completely closed up for the season.

Autumn is my favorite time of year out at the lake. It is so pretty with all of the leaves turning colour. Usually we don't totally close up until October sometime, but we have other things we need to do, so we decided to close up early.

Someday maybe we will build a new cabin. One that is insulated so we could use it a bit longer. If we had a fireplace in the house we could light it and maybe go cross country skiing, or get a snowmobile and go sledding, or just come out where it is quiet. It would be less work to close things up then, and maybe then it wouldn't feel quite so sad. It wouldn't really be closed up then, just the water stuff would be away. Well, one can dream anyway.

I guess you always have to have something to look forward to. I always look forward to the summer and being at the lake. So, here is to next year. I am looking forward to it already!

First day memories

I have been working here in Regina as an anesthesiologist for over a year now. I think about my first day with fondness today, as a colleague has his first day here. In fact, he was a resident here in Regina and came into my room to work that day. I thought it was an "ambitious day" and didn't expect to be finished on time. I was right, we weren't, but it was still a good day. I learned so much about myself that day. About my abilities to teach, work effiiciently, and the best part, that I could truly do my job well without help (residents don't count, and he was only there for part of the day).
Now, it is his turn to experience that. The unknown is always scary, but I am certain this guy will do amazing. He is SMART! I have been trying to give him hints along the way that would make his transition easier, so I hope they help.
I always feel a sense of pride when my friends from medical school, and residency begin to work, especially in the same place as me! So long ago we were all bright-eyed, scared students sitting in the classroom as the professor told us all how OLD we would be when we finally finished medical school! I remember wondering what my life would be like when that moment finally came, and not quite being able to picture it. Man, was I scared. And then, 9 years later when I had my first day as a staff I was scared again. Excited, but scared. More worried, I guess than scared. Worried that I wouldn't know what to do. Luckily, my training and knowledge kicked in right away, and I really didn't need to worry.
So, here is to the new member of our department! Cheers! I hope you love your job as much as I do!